Today's Chuckle

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...


'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...


''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''


And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''


The old lady stepped back and said:


''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
 
Frank, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and as sharp as a tack; 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Frank, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?


"Who said he was dead?"



The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Frank. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandfather's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'



'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, No he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'




'Who said he wanted to?'
 
I just had to phone the RSPCA, to tell them I´d found three badgers in a suitcase by the roadside.
Are they moving,¨ they asked.
¨I don´t know,¨ I replied, ¨but that could explain the suitcase.¨
 
Seems im-material to me.
 
Aunt Matilda passed away last week.
We had her cremated.
We think that´s what did it...
 
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses……….

He said no but he had once told a donkey to **** off.
______

My wife hosted a dinner party for all of our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All through the meal my wife's best friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, 'Why are you staring at me?' Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, 'I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish'!

______

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.


He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.


He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."


He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

_________

The golfer and the physiotherapist



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball

headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball

hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.



"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist, and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.



'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied.



He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his

hands there at his groin. At her insistence, however, he finally allowed

her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,

loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and

artful massage for several long moments then asked,



'How does that feel'?



He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
 
A man goes to the doctors complaining of terrible flatulence.
The doctor says "I can help you." and hands him a five foot long pole with a hook on the end of it.
The man, puzzled, says "What am i supposed to do with this?".
The doctor replies "Well, you can start by opening the window".
 
A penguin was driving his car when a cloud of smoke from the engine persuaded him to stop - fortunately at a roadside garage. He asked the mechanic to take a look, and went over to the ice-cream parlour across the road.
Now penguins are inordinately fond of ice-cream, (and second-hand evening wear) but fail dreadfully in the art of tidy ice-cream consumption, flippers and cornets not being a match made in heaven - but what the hell, eventually he returned to the garage as the mechanic was scooting out from under the car.
"Looks like you've blown a seal" he said, wiping his hands.
"No!" said the horrified penguin, wiping his face, "It's ice-cream ..."
 
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