Today's Chuckle

Hey, it's Halloween! Here's a few I heard today, you can use tonight.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts

Q: What's a Mummy's favorite music?
A: Wrap music

Q: What food should you never offer to a vampire?
A: Steak
 
took me a couple of seconds about the Vampire.

I'm a literal person so I kept thinking about food vs 'stake'.

I think I got it now... right? :)
 
Ukecastor, it took me 3 or 4 seconds to get it too.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
 
After a particularly bad day at the "office" a bear walks into a bar and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

When the drink arrived it came without ice, which the bear brought to the waitresses attention. She, also was having a bad day and made a snarky remark to the bear.

This annoyed the bear so much he downed the scotch and then gobbled up the waitress and left without paying the bill.

About an hour later the bear was in the hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. Telling the doctor what his day had been like.

The doctor tells the bear that his pain is his own fault for mixing alcohol and drugs.

What do you mean said the bear?

The doctors said, “clearly, that was a bar b**** you ate".
 
A Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his Master, "Master, Master"

"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"
 
There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with “Ruldolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
 
There's a moral to this story....
One day, while a fly was buzzing around my barn, he noticed a pile of manure that I had missed.He was hungry, so he dove onto it, and ate and ate and ate until he was stuffed.
He couldn't take off, so he climbed up the tine and handle of my pitchfork, and jumped off, thinking he'd stay airborne.But...He landed on the floor at full speed, and went SPLAT!

The moral of the story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh--!
 
I love going camping. The excitement is intense.
 
So this guy's working in the produce department in the grocery store and a lady walks up and she says, “Excuse me.”
He says, “Yes?”
She says, “Where’s the broccoli, I can’t find the broccoli?”
“Oh, I’m really sorry ma’am,” he says, “We're all out of broccoli.”
And he goes back to his work and he’s stacking the oranges and he hears behind him, “Mister, Mister,” and he turns around and it’s the same lady, and she says, “Where’s the Broccoli? You got any broccoli?”
He says, “No, ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli, but we’ll have some tomorrow morning.”
He goes back to work and a couple of minutes later, the same woman walks up right in his face and she says, “How come I can’t find any broccoli?”
He says, “Lady, ah, do me a favor, will you.”
She says, “What?”
He says, “How do you spell... indulge me... how do you spell 'cat', like in Catastrophic?”
She says, “C-A-T.”
He says, "Right! Now how do you spell 'dog', like in dogmatic?”
She says, “D-O-G.”
He says, "Right! Now how do you spell 'F***' like in Broccoli?”
She say, “There is no 'F***' in Broccoli!”
And he says, “RIGHT!"
 
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"Sex Problems"

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with
his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he
couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you
ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's
face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that
you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."
 
Did you see that news article, about that poor newlywed guy who got bit
by a shark on his honeymoon and died?

He didn't suffer too much; he'd only been married two days.
 
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