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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #551
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    Phone Etiquette

    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
    As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.


    She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #552
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    Thinking back a few years, living in Fla. I remember Hurricane Frances.
    I was ready for it but my wife was not.

    When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and
    thrashing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing tiles and destroyed
    fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the
    spot. … She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable,
    with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will
    stay with me forever.

    Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily
    lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
    To this day, she has never thanked me!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #553
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    This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.



    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and
    funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
    deserved to fly as cargo.



    For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.



    A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.



    A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.



    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-



    "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."



    The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks
    first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."



    The passenger was unimpressed.



    He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"



    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.



    "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.



    "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."



    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F*** You!"



    Without flinching, she smiled and said:


    "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #554
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    Jokes that the Irish like and laugh at too. I Know, I know, it's ethnic. But I'm Irish, so.....

    There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.


    "O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"

    “And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.



    Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news.

    "I'm pregnant" she cries.

    "And how do you know it's yours?" shouts her father



    PADDY: "If you can guess how many pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of them".*

    SHAUN: “Three!”



    Mrs Murphy said: I don't tink me husband has been faithful to me".

    "Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.

    "Me last child don't look anything like him".



    Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it"



    Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.



    Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.

    "It's me weather guide" said Murphy, "If it's swinging back and forth, it's windy and if it's wet, its been raining.



    Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. "That's a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? he asked. I'm not, Father", she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese".



    The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.



    Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. "You're not blind" she said. "No I'm not" said Paddy, "Its Murphy whose blind, I'm just filling in for him while he's gone to the pictures".



    "We're looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund", said Paddy.

    "Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
    "That's the one we're looking for", Paddy replied.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #555
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    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

    The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #556
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    Saw this bumper sticker in my town today. Such pride!

    20190823_225052.jpg
    Last edited by Ukecaster; 08-23-2019 at 04:53 PM.
    John

  7. #557
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    Loughborough, England
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    Default Ouch!

    This is probably not the answer most Men would be hoping for...
    Attached Images Attached Images

  8. #558
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    This is to good not to share!!

    "Life is short. Opera is long."

    Anonymous


  9. #559
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    Avocado Affirmation

    20190904_101624.jpg
    John

  10. #560
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    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
    Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

    An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
    'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
    'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
    'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
    1x
    Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."
    Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
    Innkeeper: "Great. I'll get you some nails and wood."
    While I was working as an assistant in a large corporation, my boss used to take half of the job applicant's resumes and throw them in the garbage.
    When I asked him why he just said: "I don't want to work with unlucky people."

    Customer: "Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup."
    Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
    2x

    It is well known...
    Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

    What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

    A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

    A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

    The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

    3
    HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
    WIFE: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

    A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
    And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
    She replied, "No peer pressure."

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
    She says, "I'll miss you."

    A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is ANYTHING ok?"

    Husband: "There's something preying on my mind."
    Wife: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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