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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #491
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,475

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    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.

    You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

    I have made several trips there, thanks to my spouse, children, friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.

    It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

    Or, I could just stay right here in the State of Confusion.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #492
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Close to Boston, Massachusetts
    Posts
    258

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    Well said!!
    "Life is short. Opera is long."

    Anonymous


  3. #493
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    >
    > Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early.
    >
    >
    > His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
    >
    >
    > Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?”
    >
    >
    > Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #494
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,254

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    Re-runs? Tsk-tsk.
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD - Fingerpick
    Gold Tone tenor banjolele - Lo F BbDF Fingerpick
    Luna “Peace” concert - CGDA Fingerpick (5ths)

    Kala tenor eight string - gGcCEEAA Strum
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA Strum
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B Strum

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift) - Wallhanger
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - Wallhanger
    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  5. #495
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    U.K.
    Posts
    681

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  6. #496
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,475

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    Quote Originally Posted by Down Up Dick View Post
    Re-runs? Tsk-tsk.

    I haven't posted this one before, have I?
    Someone emailed it to me, and I was too tired to erase all the arrow points. I worked 47 hours this week, and I'm retired!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #497
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Massachusetts, USA
    Posts
    1,750

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    I'm so fat...I got a shoeshine the other day...and had to take the guy's word for it!
    John

  8. #498
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,254

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    Well, it don’t matter. Perhaps I saw it somewhere else. Anyway, keep ‘em comin’. I always enjoy ‘em.
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD - Fingerpick
    Gold Tone tenor banjolele - Lo F BbDF Fingerpick
    Luna “Peace” concert - CGDA Fingerpick (5ths)

    Kala tenor eight string - gGcCEEAA Strum
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA Strum
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B Strum

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift) - Wallhanger
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - Wallhanger
    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  9. #499
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,475

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    I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making

    biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about that?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into

    tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.

    I can't stand to see a man crying."



    "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.

    I was late to a meeting today and my boss fired me.



    When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I

    don't have any insurance. Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home.



    Arriving at home I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."



    "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.



    I bought a drink; I dropped a capsule in it and sat here watching the poison

    dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!



    But Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #500
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
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    Why Teachers DRINK

    The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are
    genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now ,
    there is little hope)

    Q.. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So
    true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
    abdominal cavity.

    The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and
    the abdominal

    cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would
    work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.



    AND TO THINK, SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ALREADY MAY BE IN WASHINGTON!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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