One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... l The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up years ago. I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
....
Our lawn mower broke. My wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something to do first, always important to me. She thought of a way to make her point. I came home from work to find her seated in the grass, snipping with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched then went into the house. I came out and handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but always with a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

Saturday morning I got up early and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. I turned on the radio. It said the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" That's how the fight started...

I went to the Social Security office to apply. The lady behind the counter asked me for my ID. I realized I had left my wallet at home. I said I'll have to come back later. The Lady said, 'Open your shirt'. I showed my silver hair. She said, 'That's is proof enough for me' and processed application. When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, 'Next Time drop your pants. You would have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same if you are stupid.

I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use it's power for good or evil today.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind," Dr Seuss

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear!" Me. " Yes I would like a Beer"

My Dentist said I need a crown. I was like "I know right?"

I need a vacation. And by "Vacation" I mean I need to move away, find a new job on a beach with rum.

I never called you stupid but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi and you asked me it I was talking about the state or the river, you kind of caught me off guard.

Way too many of my stories end up with " and That's why I'm not allowed to go back there anymore"

I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway

Wife came in from shopping. Husband was holding a fly swatter. Did you get them? she asked. Yup. 3 males and 2 females. How do you know that? 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone!

I tried cooking supper with wine tonight-- Didn't go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

Don't forget to buy a bottle for Mom (Mother's Day) Remember you are the reason she drinks.

The secret of enjoying a good wine - 1. Open bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth

Attention All Drama Queens - Auditions have been canceled for today!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant to start. I don't know how to juice Tacos.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer screen will say, "Your password is incorrect."

I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day!" I just made that up. Tell the Others,

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I had My Wife Begging to me the other night - She was on her knees Begging - She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man

For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.

I've finally lost my mind. If found Don't bother to return it. It wasn't working properly anyway.
I'm Living in a drama free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, Respect it!

I have zero tolerance for racism, Turkey Bacon, decaf Coffee, and Non-Alcoholic Beer

If your Significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now You're Super Mad!". If they Laugh, Marry Them

Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK

Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. So have fun and give them something to talk about.

Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says 'Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution".