Page 52 of 53 FirstFirst ... 24250515253 LastLast
Results 511 to 520 of 523

Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #511
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Massachusetts, USA
    Posts
    1,850

    Default

    A few chuckles to get you in the holiday spirit...a Peter Griffin Christmas

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Arov0NjZetE

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa22MBGkl9o
    John

  2. #512
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon

    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
    The robot slaps the son.

    The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."

    Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.

    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.

    Robot for sale.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #513
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    99

    Default

    Went to church for my yearly appearance, and heard a good story.
    Three men show up at the pearly gates and St Peter says, "Seeing that it's that time of the year, if you can show me something Christmassy you can enter."
    The first reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter. "This is like the candle we light at Christmas"
    St. Peter says "Great! Enter!"
    The second pulls out a set of keys, jangles them and says, "These are like the bells we ring at Christmas"
    St. Peter says "That's wonderful! Enter!"
    The third reaches into his pocket and takes out a pair of womens glasses.
    St. Peter says "Huh? What has that to do with Christmas?"
    "The man replies...."They're Carol's"

  4. #514
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.

    Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston , the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.

    "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #515
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    Blond jokes....about men.

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:
    "Did you find the shampoo?"
    He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair,
    and I just wet mine."
    ------------------------------




    A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
    The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
    The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
    ------------------------------------




    A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
    He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ------------------------------------




    A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
    her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
    ------------------------------------




    A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
    Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
    A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
    road.
    The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
    ------------------------------------




    A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
    His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
    "Here boy!" he replies.
    ------------------------------------




    A blonde man is in jail.
    The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
    "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
    ------------------------------------



    (To be fair, this one actually makes a little sense...)


    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
    "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
    To which the blonde man replies:
    "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!"
    --------------------------------------




    A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
    The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
    ------------------------------------


    Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
    police station.
    One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
    The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
    ------------------------------------




    A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
    "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
    The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
    To which the blonde man replied:
    "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday



    AND MY FAVORITE:



    Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I’m going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

    So the next day they all got the same thing so they each jumped off the building to their deaths.

    That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying their eyes out. The Italian wife lamented that she’d have packed a calzone in his lunch box instead of pizza if he’d only let her know he’d grown tired of the same old thing. And the distraught wife from Peking agreed and berated herself for not changing things up once in a while with wonton soup or egg foo yung for her husband instead of white rice and fortune cookies. Then the two wives stare at the blonde’s wife and ask why she isn't sad about her husband’s death and the blonde replies:

    "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch…."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #516
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield. He said. . .


    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.“ I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?“ She said, “No, I hate myself now“

    I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, “Why? “ He said, “Because you came home early.“

    My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

    It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

    I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness. . . AFTER I was born.

    I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we’ll ever find them?" He said, "I don’t know kid. There’s
    so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? " He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

    I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

    One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.

    My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #517
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. But surprisingly it lands butter-side-up.
    He looks at what’s happened in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
    He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest....
    “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we havehere. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
    “No, Father - No, Father, Oi dropped it and it landed just loike dat. Oi swear so.”
    “Well,” says the prıest, “it’s certainly a natural law of the Universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say that it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and see what he has to say.
    A rigorous investigation is instigated to evaluate if a ‘Miracle’ did in fact occur, not only by the local archdiocese, but by a bishop from Cork who was fresh back from the Curia in Rome.
    After much thought the final ruling read: -
    On conclusion it stated certainly an extraordinary event occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening to be miraculous & rule out all possible natural explanations.
    “In this particular case we have declared that there was no miracle.
    The Irish Bishop then explains
    “It’s obvious, Murphy must have buttered the toast on the wrong side.”
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #518
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,292

    Default

    Very funny, Nickie! A triple Ha!
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD - Fingerpick
    Gold Tone tenor banjolele - Lo F BbDF Fingerpick
    Luna “Peace” concert - CGDA Fingerpick (5ths)

    Kala tenor eight string - gGcCEEAA Strum
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-F BbDG Strum
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B Strum

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift)
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift

    Old age should rather be feared than death. - Juvenal
    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  9. #519
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Massachusetts, USA
    Posts
    1,850

    Default

    Rodney also quipped...I tell ya, I'm so fat...the other day I got a shoeshine...and I had to take the guy's word for it!
    John

  10. #520
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    7,519

    Default

    Golf Trip
    A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

    She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

    She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad
    you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

    She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


    Special Package deal for Businessmen

    An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

    Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

    After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

    All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

    New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

    Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

    She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

    "Hello Darling."

    The husband responds in a low tone:

    "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

    Cool Message by a Wife

    Dear Mother-in-law,

    "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

    Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

    Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

    All the knives were missing the target!

    Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

    His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

    Habit of Talking in Sleep

    A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

    Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

    Natural Disasters Just Happen

    Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

    Natural disasters just happen.

    Your Husband Needs Rest

    Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

    Wife: When should I give them to him?

    Doctor: They are for you!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •