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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #501
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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... l The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

    My wife and I were at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up years ago. I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
    ....
    Our lawn mower broke. My wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something to do first, always important to me. She thought of a way to make her point. I came home from work to find her seated in the grass, snipping with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched then went into the house. I came out and handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but always with a limp.

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

    Saturday morning I got up early and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. I turned on the radio. It said the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" That's how the fight started...

    I went to the Social Security office to apply. The lady behind the counter asked me for my ID. I realized I had left my wallet at home. I said I'll have to come back later. The Lady said, 'Open your shirt'. I showed my silver hair. She said, 'That's is proof enough for me' and processed application. When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, 'Next Time drop your pants. You would have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
    The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace

    When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same if you are stupid.

    I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use it's power for good or evil today.

    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind," Dr Seuss

    Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear!" Me. " Yes I would like a Beer"

    My Dentist said I need a crown. I was like "I know right?"

    I need a vacation. And by "Vacation" I mean I need to move away, find a new job on a beach with rum.

    I never called you stupid but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi and you asked me it I was talking about the state or the river, you kind of caught me off guard.

    Way too many of my stories end up with " and That's why I'm not allowed to go back there anymore"

    I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway

    Wife came in from shopping. Husband was holding a fly swatter. Did you get them? she asked. Yup. 3 males and 2 females. How do you know that? 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone!

    I tried cooking supper with wine tonight-- Didn't go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

    Don't forget to buy a bottle for Mom (Mother's Day) Remember you are the reason she drinks.

    The secret of enjoying a good wine - 1. Open bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth

    Attention All Drama Queens - Auditions have been canceled for today!

    You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

    I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant to start. I don't know how to juice Tacos.

    I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer screen will say, "Your password is incorrect."

    I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
    Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day!" I just made that up. Tell the Others,

    I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

    Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
    I had My Wife Begging to me the other night - She was on her knees Begging - She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man

    For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.

    I've finally lost my mind. If found Don't bother to return it. It wasn't working properly anyway.
    I'm Living in a drama free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, Respect it!

    I have zero tolerance for racism, Turkey Bacon, decaf Coffee, and Non-Alcoholic Beer

    If your Significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now You're Super Mad!". If they Laugh, Marry Them

    Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

    Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

    When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

    Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK

    Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

    You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

    Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. So have fun and give them something to talk about.

    Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

    Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says 'Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution".
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #502
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    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

    They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

    The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
    breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
    minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

    He asks her 'Shall we?'


    She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
    change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
    pigeon down and you sh-- on its head.'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #503
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    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

    I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    Old age is coming at a really bad time.

    When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

    Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

    Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

    Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. ---- Life is great.

    I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #504
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    A circus owner runs an ad for lion tamer and two people show up.

    One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late sixties and
    the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
    This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two
    had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
    chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
    The girl says, "I'll go first."

    She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
    The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there,
    she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

    The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking
    her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes
    and then rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

    He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life.." He then
    turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

    The retired golfer replies, "I can if you'll get that lion out of there!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #505
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    1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    2. Deleted

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

    9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

    13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    14. Deleted

    14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

    16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning

    18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

    19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

    21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #506
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    I finally did it. Bought new shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

  7. #507
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    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
    "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

    The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.



    Louisiana
    A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

    When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

    Mississippi
    The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

    The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate number."

    North Carolina
    A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so
    curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
    fellow what the problem was.

    The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

    The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
    I never did understand it neither."


    Tennessee
    A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
    The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

    The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

    Texas
    The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch The Sheriff asked,
    "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
    "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
    ***


    Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody
    retirin' an' movin' North.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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