Today's Chuckle

Words of Wisdom

What you learn from your kids...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
I asked a blonde, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Nostalgia... Do you remember when milk was delivered to your home in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers?
Do you remember party lines?
Do you remember newsreels before the movie?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When the help wanted ad asks for "A fast learner."
What that really means is, "You will get no training from us."
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
As Herman was driving, his wife called. She said, " I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Gender Issues. Is a TRAIN male or female?
Trains are definitely male,
because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
Lola said, "I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
What you learn from your kids...
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef !!

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer... The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN IDIOT:



1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence



2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.'



3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.



4. *THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



5. *DID I SAY THAT?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words:

'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'



6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'



7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.



8. *THE GRAND FINALE!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


Now remember, these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Great mental exercise for the over 55 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Lovely, just lovely ..sometimes I worry about you ...

Ha! You caught me, Nickie. Good one. ld:

Nickie said:

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

Click to expand...

No, and he's right at home in that list, really....

bratsche

Nickie said:

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Lovely, just lovely ..sometimes I worry about you ...

Click to expand...

Not being Catholic, no I wouldn't know the pope. But since I'd never call ANY of the people on that list a slut (Well, maybe Agnew...), I guess I don't know them, either.

And who did Tiger Woods allegedly kill?

Who is Spiro Agnew?

ksiegel said:

Not being Catholic, no I wouldn't know the pope. But since I'd never call ANY of the people on that list a slut (Well, maybe Agnew...), I guess I don't know them, either.

And who did Tiger Woods allegedly kill?

Click to expand...

The way I read the joke was that the people on the list had sinned in one but not all of the ways mentioned, hope that helps.

I’m not a Catholic and didn’t recognised #5 either, but I did laugh - thanks Nickie. It’s a joke and I thought a good one. To be fair to the current Pope he’s, IMHO, a lot better man than the others before him ....... I guess that’s a separate topic and it’s best not to go any nearer that massive minefield.

For Larry above. SA was a (long past) famous US politician who brought shame on himself. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiro_Agnew

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles' ...
so the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor...

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck...
Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Graham Greenbag said:

For Larry above. SA was a (long past) famous US politician who brought shame on himself. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiro_Agnew

Click to expand...

A dishonest politician, who has heard of such a thing?

Graham Greenbag said:

The way I read the joke was that the people on the list had sinned in one but not all of the ways mentioned, hope that helps.

Click to expand...

Really, Graham, my reply was a joke. I've heard various versions of this one over the years, starting back with Giovanni Montini (who I think was the most recent Pope Paul), so yes, I was aware of the nuances involved.

With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind:

Think about these:
The 7th one is my fave...

* Do twins ever reali*ze that one of them i*s unplanned?

* What if my dog only* brings back my ball *because he thinks I l*ike throwing it?

* If poison expires, *is it more poisonous *or is it no longer po*isonous?

* Which letter is sil*ent in the word "Scen*t," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W*, in English, called *double U? Shouldn't i*t be called double V?* and why isn't "m" ca*lled "double n"

* Maybe oxygen is slo*wly killing you and I*t just takes 75-100 y*ears to fully work.

* Every time you clea*n something, you just* make something else *dirty

- The word "SWIMS" up*side-down is still "SWIMS".

- Intentionally losin*g a game of rock, pap*er, scissors is just *as hard as trying to *win.

- 100 years ago every*one owned a horse and* only the rich had ca*rs. Today everyone ha*s cars and only the r*ich own horses.

- Your future self is* watching you right n*ow through memories.

- The doctors that to*ld Stephen Hawking he* had two years to liv*e in 1953 are probabl*y dead.

- If you replace "W" *with "T" in "What, Wh*ere and When", you ge*t the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probab*ly need glasses, but *nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole i*n a net, there are ac*tually fewer holes in* it than there were b*efore.

- If 2/22/22 falls on* a Tuesday, we'll jus*t call it "2's Day". *

(It does fall on a Tu*esday)

Nickie said:

With all the other things in this world to think about, here are a few that perhaps hadn't crossed your mind:

Think about these:

* Maybe oxygen is slo*wly killing you and I*t just takes 75-100 y*ears to fully work.

Click to expand...

The thing is oxygen IS slowly killing us. It is highly corrosive and was poisonous to early life on Earth!

LarryS said:

The thing is oxygen IS slowly killing us. It is highly corrosive and was poisonous to early life on Earth!

Click to expand...

OH NO! We’d better tell the King. Let’s go get Henny Penny! ld:

what did the thesaurus have for breakfast?

a synonym roll.

Down Up Dick said:

OH NO! We’d better tell the King. Let’s go get Henny Penny! ld:

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Has to google that one. Chicken Little!