Today's Chuckle

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $9.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first
day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-m ail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan tofit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $9.35 an hour."
 
an unfortunate individual is brought before a judge for shooting seagulls.

the judge asks him for details.

the man says he and his family have fallen on bad times and are living in their car.
with no job and no food he feels he needs to feed his family as best he can.

the judge is sympathetic but must inform him that shooting/killing seagulls is against
the law, but that given his circumstances, he will drop the charges if the man agrees
to stop this behavior.

the man promises the same, and all charges are dropped.

the judge then pulls the man aside and asks, "you know, I'm a hunter as well and I
always wanted to know how seagulls taste."

the man brightens up and says, " you know, they don't taste half bad. sort of a cross










between a bald eagle and a spotted owl!"

:)
 
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job Was to process all the mail that

had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.



The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next

pension check.



Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money,

I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into

his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96,

which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.



The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able

to share with her friends.



Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:



Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice

day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those assholes at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
 
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night-time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

-----------------------------------------------

Children in Church

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, "I've" decided to become a minister (baptist) when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Ms Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane.
She asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"


This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

-----------------------------------------------

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.
The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however.
"I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
 
Recently there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 150 or higher.



Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.



How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.



The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.



They called the blonde waitress over ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”



But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.



There was dead silence at the Mensa table.



Kind of reminds you of the past 30 years in Washington D.C., doesn't it?
 
Tha Old Man

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
 
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this.)




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I'll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both real old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said, warily. "How do you make babies?"
"It's easy," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," offered one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
 
GOLF


1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing
with him across a desk.
--Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
--John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
--Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
--Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them; golf is more complicated than that.
-- Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
--Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
--William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don't drive----don't even putt.
--Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you----down the fairway----so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
--Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
--Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
-- Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
--Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
--Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
--Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
--Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
--Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
--Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf----two rounds a day are plenty.
--Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
--Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
--Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice; if I hit it left, it's a hook; if I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
--Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
--George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
--Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.
--Woody Woodbury
25. The No.1 golf rule you MUST follow:
Take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.
 
Stunt flying

Airbus

An Airbus 380is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.


The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the flight attendant for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:


When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
 
I played golf a lot when I was younger, and #530 brought back some really ridiculous and somewhat painful memories. Ha!

But one beautiful Saturday, after a torturous day of golf, I, half drunk, snapping at my ex-wife and yelling at my kids, thought “why am I doin’ this”? And that was my last day of golf.
:eek:ld:
 
an unfortunate accident created a long and deep gouge in the imported Marble Entry to a very prestigious, high-profile Bank.
an emergency Board of Directors meeting was called and after hours of deliberation dealing with the fact that the
quarry from which the original Marble was hewed had been closed for decades and was under the control of political
forces not at all friendly with the US, the Directors decided to adjourn to revisit the Entry and reassess the damage.

the Bank Doorman opened the door for this august body of Directors to file through to get a good look at the damage.
He was curious, so as the last member, who happened to be the Bank President, passed through the doorway, he asked
what the meeting was about since they all stopped right outside the door looking down at the entry.

in a rather abrupt and slightly intense voice the Bank President bellowed, "Can't you see the damage to the Marble Entry?
the Quarry in Eastern Europe is closed and we can't find another to give us what we want and need to make a good
impression on our investors!"

the Doorman looked at the damaged Marble then suggested, " why don't you turn it over and polish the other side?"

'nuf said!

keep uke'in',
 
Checking in At Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest ...."
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one
thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to
your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to
pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them In the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very
well be The solution."


The next day, She brought her female parrots to the
priest's House.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male
Parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in
unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
says, Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been
answered!
 
This is a lead in to a song that is in my playlist. I always start out with it because it is easy to play and sing. It is a good warmup song. So I tell the story.

A ukulele player was between gigs and needed to make some money. He decided to lower his standards and went door to door asking homeowners if they had any chores that needed to be done. He was knocking on doors in the ritzy neighborhood when a woman answered the door of a huge mansion with a circular drive in front of it.
"I'm broke and I'm looking for work," he told the woman. "You got anything you need done?"
"It is your lucky day," the woman said. "The porch out back needs painted. I'll give you fifty bucks."
The ukulele player agreed to take on the job, so the woman left for a minute and returned with a gallon of white paint and a brush. She directed the ukulele player to the back yard and then left him to do the chore.
A couple hours later the ukulele player came back to the front door and knocked. The woman answered the door.
"I finished the job," He told her, handing her the half empty pail of paint and the cleaned brush.
The woman took the pail and the brush, left again for a minute, then returned with a fifty dollar bill. The ukulele player took the bill and was leaving when he turned back to the woman still standing in the door.
"Ma'am," he said to the woman. "I just thought that you should know, that's not a Porsche that you had me paint back there, it is a Mercedes Benz."

Then I say, "Okay, a song made famous by Janis Joplin."
 
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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind a strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.” So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
 
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
 
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
 
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