Today's Chuckle

Oh man haha, all these jokes! Made me try to pack myself in a small suitcase. I could hardly contain myself.

. . .

A guy enters an online pun contest, sending in ten different entries hoping at least one would win.

Uh, no pun in ten did.

. .

A linguistic professor was lecturing his class.

“In the English language, a double negative forms a positive," he stated. "However, in some languages such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language--not one--in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room snidely retorted, “Yeah, right.”

.
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to is master:




"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
 
According to a news report, a certain private
Catholic school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural
or neutral skin tone -- but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Paschal, decided
that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met
them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers... and then there are educators.
 
The Irish Millionaire



Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.



"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"



"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?



a) Sparrow














b) Thrush,














c) Magpie,














d) Cuckoo?"






"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."





Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.



"Foo-in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"



"I'm foo-in sure."



Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."



"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.



"Dat it is."



There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.



"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"



"Because he lives in a Foo-in clock!"
 
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What did the hat say to the necktie?




You can hang around here, I'm going on a head.....
 
^^^ funny!!!


Since I didn't get a chance to introduce myself to the forum when I joined, I'm going to share my musical background in this post. I'm a longtime bagpiper who used to play gigs throughout the Texas/Arkansas/Louisiana area. There was this one time I was asked by a funeral director friend of mine to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.

The service was being held at what they call the pauper's cemetery in the Arkansas back-country. And even though I'd driven through before, I wasn't too familiar with any of the backwoods areas. Of course, there were no google maps back then or even cell phones. So I probably ended up arriving about an hour late, assuming they must've ended things early because there didn't appear to be any sign of there being much of a funeral for this man. To top it off, my friend hadn't waited around for me and I was feeling pretty out of sorts. But I wasn't gonna let it stop me. It's not the type of person I am.

I parked over to where the diggers and crew were taking their lunch break. I even apologized to the men for being so late. I knew they were only workers, but I believe everyone deserves a fair shake. We're all in this human thing together and I always do my best to honor each and every person as best I can...no matter what. It's the aloha in me upon which I feel is my God-given-gift to share with others.

After I apologized to the men, I see the lid to the grave already in place and that's when it hits. I don't know what came over me, I just remember taking a deep breath...and then I played. And I'm telling ya'll, I played!

Some of the workers put down their lunches. There was a few that gathered round. It was all the encouragement I needed, and I gave it my all. I'm telling you, I played those bagpipes like I've never played em before!

With all my gigs, I generally finish things up with the same song, but this time things felt a little different, a bit surreal. Yeah I know it was a funeral, but it was like his spirit was there with us or something. The song coming outta those pipes was Amazing Grace, and I'm telling you there wasn't a dry eye in sight. These men wept. I mean, they wept. And I wept. It was probably an unusual sight because here we were, a group of men all weeping together for another man we didn't even know.

After all was said and done, we said our goodbyes and I packed up my bagpipes and headed to the car. It was such a truly beautiful moment. My heart was so full that I must've floated to the car. I practically forgot about my friend not waiting for me and everything else that led to my late arrival.

That's when I open my car door and overhear one of the workers say to his buddies, "In all my time, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I been puttin' in septic tanks for over twenty years!!"
 
A little Humor for the upcoming holiday...in the U.S.
(answers below)


(a) What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

(b) What did Momma Turkey say to her unruly chicks?

(c) What are unhappy cranberries called?

(d) What do you get after eating way too much on Thanksgiving?






¡ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo ʇɹǝssǝp (p) sǝıɹɹǝqǝnןq (ɔ) ¡ʎʌɐɹb sıɥ uı ɹǝʌo buıuɹnʇ ǝq p,ǝɥ 'ʍou noʎ ǝǝs pןnoɔ ɹǝɥʇɐɟ ɹnoʎ ɟı (q) ʞɔoɹ ɥʇnoɯʎןd (ɐ) :sɹǝʍsuɐ
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied,"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold or flu all
winter?"
 
A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”
 
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100
and goes to the clinic.
​​
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
 
Is sex work?



A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
 
Two Trees and A Woodpecker:

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face and pass it on...
 
Two little old ladies, Phyllis & Brenda were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Brenda leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Phyllis, holding up a $10.00 note.

So Brenda slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Brenda came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Phyllis.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
 
Warning, strong language, gut busting humor

I laughed so hard I cried! The Electric Fence If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this... CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of s** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of s** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
Three men who transitioned on Christmas Eve were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that either symbolizes Christmas or the Christmas Spirit to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "Well, okay," said Saint Peter, "You may pass through the pearly gates."


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them fervently, exclaiming, "They're bells!" Saint Peter replied, "You may pass through the pearly gates."



The third man searches desperately through his pants, shirt, and coat pockets, and finally pulls out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looks at the man with a raised eyebrow and asks, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replies without missing a beat, "They're Carol's."
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor
said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and
try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you
both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't
be taught.
 
"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .



The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .





Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.





Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"





Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!
 
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