Today's Chuckle

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for
listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda,
but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that
I think were at the party if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard
where I had sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father,
can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto
in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.
I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country.. Please advise.



7. I do not know who the father of my child was
as they all look the same to me.



8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue..



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .



10. So much about that night is a blur.
The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith
did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.




11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure
which one made you fart. (This made number #1).

Great!, Peace Train, keep 'em comin'. ld:

A penguin walks into a bar and the barman asks him "Hey, what can I get ya?", to which the penguin replies "Actually, I'm just looking for my brother." So the barman shrugs and says "Maybe he's in the back room... what does he look like?"

My neighbor asked if she could use my vacuum cleaner.
I said, "Sure, as long as you don't take it out of my house."

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Beat it you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

A friend of mine was attacked by a troop of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to him....

Heteronyms -- Enjoy!

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP ,
for now my time is UP ,
so.......it is time to shut UP !

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her
class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!' After a few
seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do
you think you're stupid,
Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by
by yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. 'Why
do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked
Harold 'Giving
up?'


The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on
him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
44?' Harold quickly replied,
'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
Network!'


Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station
where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want
very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Some guy threatened to hit with with the neck of his ukulele, I replied, "That sounds like a fret."

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -

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> No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.
> Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
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> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory
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> On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
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> So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
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> Harry Reid:
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> Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
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> "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
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Terrific, Nickie, it really interested and amused the English Major in me--a double Ha! ld:

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.



Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify I put 'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit "the target."

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Curtis & Leroy saw an
ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for
$100.
The farmer agreed to
deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the
farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news,
the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy
replied, Well, then just give us our money
back."
The farmer said, "Can't do
that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just
bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in
the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna
raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You
can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We
sure can! Heck, we don't hafta
tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later,
the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly
grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever
do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him
off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we
sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of
$998."
The farmer said, "My Lord,
didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the
feller who won got upset.. So we gave him his two dollars
back."
Curtis and Leroy now work
for the government.
They're overseeing the
Medicare and Social
Security Programs.

Those two evil friars

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.




As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.




Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.




Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!




And the moral of the story is:




Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.





Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:


"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.


I love you, darling!


Love, Jillian"





He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.





Dan asks, "Son... What happened last night?"





"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."





Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"





His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....


"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"





Broken Coffee Table $239.99


Hot Breakfast $4.20


Two Aspirins $.38


Saying the right thing, at the right time. .. PRICELESS

A TEXAS 911 CALL

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

"I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and have always been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh--! "

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the

woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart

and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)







------------------------------ ------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.







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The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a

living under the laws they have just passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the

altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.







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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and

get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"







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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."







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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”.. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's a--. I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A.