Today's Chuckle

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.



After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.



After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.



A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.



After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."



Silence fell over the congregation.



In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."



The entire congregation said, "Amen."
 
Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.


Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this,
and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......
 
My brother in law had a stroke in August. The women folk wouldn't let me talk to him til 3 weeks ago. He had been moved to a LT Care facility at that time. Neurologists says a year for Paul to get up and walking again. I contacted him and found out he's given up hope. I been working hard to get his head straight. Call him 2x a week. I tell him jokes from your Chuckle Thread. Today I heard an honest to goodness groan when I told him about the Peeking Duck!

YOU ARE THE GREATEST!
 
Retirement Options



You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR



You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR



You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR



You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR



You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc..

5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR



You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR



You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR



FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 
Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 
Nickie, Tell me more, please. I am a philologist myself.

"I am one of those Philologist blokes that seldom crack jokes",..

Does this qualify as a lexophile. To me the word means a word lover, just like philologist does. A lexophile is apparently a "bon mot", that incorporates two half lines, And some sort of double entendre, (sic). in other words:

"Who is a philologist What's a lexiphile. I don't know is on third base."

"Does that qualify? Signify? To me I'm Mystified"

Does a lexiphile have to be funny? Is there a Synonym for Lexophile the "bon mot"?

"IamNoMan, I am a Philologist".

Its confusing, like tryiing to explain what a meme is. Much easier to demonstrate. I know what a meme is but I can't explain it.

Danger Will Robinson.
Beam me up Scotty
We don't need no Badges
We don't need no stinking Badges - In this case the first meme lead to the second meme although the context is different.

These are all memes. Now you know what a meme is. Can you explain it to someone?

"Interesting thread, I like to kid around, but don't let me needle you"!

Eureka!

Edit: If I got it straight"
"Who is a philologist What's a lexiphile. I don't know is on third base."
is both a lexophile and a meme.
 
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The optician who fell into the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself.

The man who goes sideways through a turnstile is going to Bangcock.
 
Ha ha Iamnoman....

One day at work, my boss asked me where my name badge was. I had removed it to do patient care, because it often slaps them on the nose or gets dipped in poo....I told her "We don't need no stinking badges"....she did NOT smile....
 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,’ the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?’
'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
That took a little while for my train of thought to board at the station .....thank you ....whiskey and cola now being mopped off the monitor...really ..this thread should come with a box of wet wipes !!!
 
Homesick Snowbird

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Detroit. "

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
 
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHAT A GUY, obviously a typical Texan.


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young
to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in
the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
 
"Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

Thanks, Nickie!
 
What do you get when you cross a sheep dog with a Chihuahua?



An over-the-border collie
 
Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about a prehistoric pickle ranch.

It is called "Vlasic Park".
 
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!
 
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