Today's Chuckle

Normally I don't appreciate ethnic humour, but I thought I'd pass this along:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Hungarian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a South African and two Canadians walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai. "
 
Normally I don't appreciate ethnic humour, but I thought I'd pass this along:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Hungarian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a South African and two Canadians walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai. "
Love it!
 
Two hippies were sitting by a lake in Florida with their feet in the water, passing a joint back and forth.
"Oh, wow!" says one, "an alligator just bit off my foot!"
"Wow, man!" says his friend, "which one?"
"I don't know man - if you've seen one alligator, you've seen them all!"
 
A couple of hippies were standing on the corner when a nun walked by with her arm in a sling.
One hippie asked her, "What happened to your arm?"
"I slipped in the bathtub," said the nun, and went on her way.
The second hippie asked, "Hey Man - What’s a bathtub?"
"How would I know?" answered his friend, "I’m not Catholic."
 
This isn't exactly a joke but it made me laugh earlier: I was looking over some lyrics of mine and I have one song that goes: 'Come with me into the raging monsoon/I give this violence in me to you'

The more literal side of my brain thought 'that's not a very useful gift'
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied .

SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate checking tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

Smart ass answer #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself,
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

Laugh when you can - it's cheaper than medicine!
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied, "Get in line."
 
A high school friend of mine used to say: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

I kinda like: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
 
Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a

situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action

causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc. These

loops never happen in real life, unless...



A company CEO tells his secretary: "Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."

The secretary calls her husband: "Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."

The husband calls his lover:

"My wife is going abroad for a week, let's spend it together..."

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: "Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: "Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: "My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."

The secretary calls her husband:

"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."

The husband calls his lover: "We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."

The lover tells the kids: "My problem was solved, school is back on."

the kid goes to the grandfather: "Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."

The CEO calls his secretary: "My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, re-book the flight abroad." The secretary calls her husband........
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied, "Get in line."
And people insist that I'll totally get married, and that at 32 I'll 'change my mind'...
 
I heard about a great new book about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog teaming up for cross country adventure, so I asked our librarian if I could get it out.
She said, "Your description rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
LOLOLOLOL! Someone should do a cartoon about this
 
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