Today's Chuckle

A man was stopped by the police around 2:00AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really, and who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
 
A man riding a bike and carrying two sacks on his shoulders was stopped by a guard while crossing the border.

"What do you have in those bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand" the cyclist replied.

"You'll need to open them so I can take a look inside"

The guard emptied the bags and found out they did indeed contain nothing but sand. The man put his bags back on his shoulders and continued across the border.

This happened a couple of times each week for a month. Sometimes later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had me wondering, I know you were smuggling something across the border. If you tell me what it was, I won't prosecute you. What was it?"

The man smiled and said, "Bicycles!"
 
The two women were sharing confidences over their tea.

"I don't know what to do about my husband anymore" said Louise. "Do you know that he never comes home until long, long past midnight?"

"My husband used to be like that - but no more. Never!"

"What changed him?"

Her friend smiled. "Listen. What changed him is that every time he stealthily opened the door, at one or two or three in the morning, I would call out, "Is that you, Everett?"

"That was all there was to it?"

"Uh-huh"

"But why would that stop him?"

"Because his name is Herbie."
 
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

************************************************************************

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.​

Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”​

 
After living a long, healthy life, a truck driver dies and makes his way to heaven. Saint Peter greets him and tells him that he can now have any rig he desires. The driver describes his dream rig and it immediately appears before him. Saint Peter tells him to drive to the closest truck stop and wait for his load.
The driver arrives at the truck stop and sees millions of rigs from the 1920s, 1930s, 1940s, all the way up to the present day.
He walks into the diner and sees all his favourite food on the menu, polite and attractive servers, his favourite tv show is on. The driver enjoys his meal while watching the show. There are no commercial breaks.
After a while he leans over to the driver next to him and asks, “Why is everyone here? Are there no loads?”
The driver answers, “We’re still waiting for the first dispatcher to make it to Heaven.”
 
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
 
Why doesn't the king and queen invite the knight over to dinner?
(because they are afraid of getting forked.)
 
"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."

"Out on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."
 
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back
to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist,
stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.

He gets her phone number and asks,
"You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.

"You just happened to catch my eye."
 
Some Better than others:

  • What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeee!
  • I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
  • What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
  • I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
  • Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.
  • What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
  • What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
  • My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.

  • Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
  • What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me.
  • Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
  • My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
  • What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  • Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
  • What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
  • Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
  • I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
  • What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
  • Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
  • How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
  • What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
 
  • What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  • What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? "Dill me in!"
  • How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
  • Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
  • How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
  • What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
  • If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
  • What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
  • Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
  • How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
  • What did the buffalo say when his kid we

  • Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
  • What's black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  • Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  • Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
  • Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
  • What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I'll go on ahead.
  • What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
  • I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
  • What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
 

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

*********************
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

**********************

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

*********************

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

********************

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

My college freshman-year roommate was a math major. Here's a joke I told him:

A mathematician, engineer, and physicist go to sleep in their houses. During the middle of night, fire breaks out in each. Physicist wakes up, grabs a piece of paper and pencil, calculates the exact amount of water needed, fetches the water and puts out the fire. Engineer wakes up, quickly grabs buckets full of water and puts out the fire. Mathematician wakes up, immediately grabs some paper and pencil, quickly proves that the fire can be put out, and goes back to bed.

--

There was this R-rated math story that was super funny. I can't seem to find it on the net ATM. It's about dating and involves some math terms. I read it around 1993 online, but didn't care to save it. Now I miss it. I think the main female character was "poly"-something. Just in case anybody know...
 
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