Today's Chuckle

I used to work with a bunch of math PhDs, many from the former USSR. Their jokes were... I'd describe as black comedy.

Here's one I remember:

Stalin was giving a speech in a large auditorium. During his speech, somebody sneezed. Interrupted, Stalin asked, "who sneezed?". Silence in the auditorium. Stalin says and motions with his finger pointing with a wave at the row of seated audience, "first row, execute". Then he continues his speech. Again, somebody sneezed, and Stalin stops and asks "who sneezed?". No sound at all in the great auditorium. Stalins motions with his hand waving across the row, "second row, execute". Again, he continues his speech; and again, somebody sneezed. Stalin stops and once more asks "who sneezed?" A man stands up in the back and with a meek voice finally said, "I am sorry, I sneezed." Stalin said, "geuntheit" and continued the speech.

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican Party and is trying to get Rubio and DeSantis re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

Jim Yates said:

Life is like a game of Chess.

I don't know how to play Chess.

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Dealing with some folks is like playing chess with a pigeon. It knocks down all the pieces, craps all over the board, then struts around saying it won.

Jim Yates said:

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican Party and is trying to get Rubio and DeSantis re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

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That was great!

Nickie said:

That was great!

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Amen

Patty said:

Dealing with some folks is like playing chess with a pigeon. It knocks down all the pieces, craps all over the board, then struts around saying it won.

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Here's my joke for you: Chess is a terrible game. When you win, you feel like you just wasted time. When you lose, you still feel bad.

Actually, chess is an excellent game for kids. It teaches good sportsmanship and that failures build future success (for the non-chess players, in chess, you actually learn best with a loss).

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"​

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault"

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.​

I said, "That's probably why !!"

My wife called me to tell me my son was caught for setting a house on fire​

I corrected her by saying, Arson

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.​

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

Logic of a Boy:​

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Mom:
"My son has been eating electrical cables, what shall I do?"

Advisor:
"Ground him until he conducts himself properly".

Nickie said:

Mom:
"My son has been eating electrical cables, what shall I do?"

Advisor:
"Ground him until he conducts himself properly".

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That response was a real volta face.

Two cannibals are eating a comedian. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny?"

Tow cannibals are eating soup. One says "Gee, I really hate my mother in law". The other one says, "Then just eat the noodles."

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.

The first guy says, “Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let’s throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”

So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”

So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”

The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”

“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

My wife and I frequently disagree on word pronunciation. During a family road trip to a neighboring state, we passed through Lafayette, Georgia. Having read the road sign, I commented, "Almost to Luh-FAY-it". Immediately, she responded, "No, silly, it's 'Lah-fee-ET'!" After a short exchange, she saw a fast food restaurant up ahead and suggested that I pull into the drive-in window and ask the clerk to settle the argument. Confident that my pronunciation would be proven correct, I entered the restaurant parking lot and into the drive-through queue.

At the service window, I lowered the car window and, without any explanation, said, "Please say the name of this place really slowly."

The clerk's face registered surprise as she slowly mouthed, "BUR-GER KING".