Today's Chuckle

I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack!! I have to brake hard, toss my reefer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive!! It's just too much drama. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
 
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack!! I have to brake hard, toss my reefer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive!! It's just too much drama. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Gotcha. And don’t forget to get rid of the half-empty bottle of vodka.
 
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack!! I have to brake hard, toss my reefer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive!! It's just too much drama. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Oh c'mon, if a cop pulled you over, you could just bat your eyelashes, strum the sopranino from under the seat, and he'd just melt...and give your weed back and send you on your way 😉
 
Gotcha. And don’t forget to get rid of the half-empty bottle of vodka.

You should just out run the cops. 90% of time they can't pursue anyway. Go Patty Go!

ob joke: Today at my son's swim team practice, they were practicing butterfly stroke. Watching some of the kids trying so hard... I can't decide whether to laugh or cry.
 
I remember trying to learn to butterfly... or, rather, trying to drown myself and hurt my back at the same time...


Oddly enough, when I stopped trying so hard, I could do it just fine - for about 25 yards, and then I was done. Back Stroke was easier, until I literally hit the wall.
 
And on the 8th day, God created seniors. Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their eye glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch more. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down a lot more times, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

" All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

"Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow."
 
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
Sphincter muscles that improve with age would’ve been nice.
 
A Belfast man's father dies, and while cleaning out his father's possessions he finds a shoe repair ticket from 50 years ago.
The man decides just as a matter of Interest to see if the old shoe store is still there, and if by chance his father's shoes are available.
So he makes his way into downtown Belfast and in between two giant skyscrapers he sees this decrepit little old shoe store.
He goes inside and there is a very ancient man working behind the counter. The son of the dead man hands the old man the 50 year old shoe receipt that he found in his father's belongings. The little man behind the counter says "just a minute" and slips into the back.
After a few minutes he returns to the counter gives the young man the ticket back and says "they'll be ready on Tuesday."
 
An Englishman and an Irishman are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and they collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, they agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman who exclaims,''May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman who replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.''
 
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