Jan D
Well-known member
In Nova Scotia (Canada), the butt of the joke is always someone from Newfoundland.
Today's Chuckle
- Thread starter Nickie
- Start date
Ahnko Honu
Well-known member
What do you call a hula-hoop with a nail in it?
A navel destroyer!
A navel destroyer!
Ahnko Honu
Well-known member
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work. 
He got a little behind in his work.
Ahnko Honu
Well-known member
What happened when the stewardess backed into the propeller?
Dis-assed-her.
Dis-assed-her.
Reminds me of that (very sexist of course) Playboy ad from years ago: "Got a little behind in your reading?"What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
Ralph is badly inured in a single car accident along a California coastal highway, sees a white light and God appears.
God says, "My son, you're in bad shape. You'll be in severe pain awhile, but I have future plans for you. In the process, I'm willing to grant you whatever prayer you ask. What's your most fervent desire?"
Ralph replies, "Lord, I've always wanted to visit Hawaii. Problem is, I'm afraid to travel by plane or ship. So, please build a bridge over the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."
God delays his reply but finally explains somewhat sheepishly, "My son, what you're asking is a very tall order. Even though I can move mountains and cause fortress walls to fall, such a bridge will cause lots of unintended problems. Isn't there something else you've always wanted?"
Ralph ponders a beat and responds, "Actually, there is. I've been divorced 4 times. Every one of my wives said I was insensitive to women. Please make a change in my brain that will make me understand women."
God considers this a beat before responding, "Would you like that Pacific bridge to have just four lanes or six?"
God says, "My son, you're in bad shape. You'll be in severe pain awhile, but I have future plans for you. In the process, I'm willing to grant you whatever prayer you ask. What's your most fervent desire?"
Ralph replies, "Lord, I've always wanted to visit Hawaii. Problem is, I'm afraid to travel by plane or ship. So, please build a bridge over the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."
God delays his reply but finally explains somewhat sheepishly, "My son, what you're asking is a very tall order. Even though I can move mountains and cause fortress walls to fall, such a bridge will cause lots of unintended problems. Isn't there something else you've always wanted?"
Ralph ponders a beat and responds, "Actually, there is. I've been divorced 4 times. Every one of my wives said I was insensitive to women. Please make a change in my brain that will make me understand women."
God considers this a beat before responding, "Would you like that Pacific bridge to have just four lanes or six?"
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Nickie
Well-known member
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating him. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air, and there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?" His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the coffin was closed."
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
.
. . . and Melania looked so great in black. . .
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
Very old joke, first stolen by Mel Brooks, and now by me:
Irving walks into the local hardware store and asks his friend Lenny for a certain light bulb. While Lenny rummages around for the bulb, Irving can't help but notice that the shelves on all four walls of the small store are filled, wall to ceiling, with hundreds of apparently identical soprano ukuleles.
The guy returns with the bulb. Irving asks, "Lenny, do ya sell many ukuleles?"
Lenny responds, "Ach, no! I'm a horrible ukulele salesman. But, that guy who sells me ukuleles, he's a wizard!"
Irving walks into the local hardware store and asks his friend Lenny for a certain light bulb. While Lenny rummages around for the bulb, Irving can't help but notice that the shelves on all four walls of the small store are filled, wall to ceiling, with hundreds of apparently identical soprano ukuleles.
The guy returns with the bulb. Irving asks, "Lenny, do ya sell many ukuleles?"
Lenny responds, "Ach, no! I'm a horrible ukulele salesman. But, that guy who sells me ukuleles, he's a wizard!"
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What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
Ukecaster
Well-known member
And that other very sexist one "I'm a big fan of the Women's Movement...especially when seen from behind"
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Nickie
Well-known member
ARGH!
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Nickie
Well-known member
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
In our area, Baptists have become so liberal they’re actually speaking to each other in liquor stores.
Canada Jim
Well-known member
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Ukecaster
Well-known member
I keep seeing this ad on the bottom my screen. I try not to look at the ads, but when I first glanced at this one, I thought it said "Alert: Senior Moment...for just $10 a Month!"
Dang, I get em for free every day!
(I wish that ad would go away)
Dang, I get em for free every day!
(I wish that ad would go away)
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Nickie
Well-known member
Another regional joke:
Do you know why the trees lean north in Oklahoma?
Because Texas blows and Kansas sucks.
Do you know why the trees lean north in Oklahoma?
Because Texas blows and Kansas sucks.
I got carded when buying beer, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
