Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
It cracks me up that there's a Netflix movie called "Blockbuster", and the cast actually works in a Blockbuster.
Today's Chuckle
- Thread starter Nickie
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Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
SPOILER ALERT: If you plan to watch the recent, critically-acclaimed, Golden Globe awarded Collin Firth movie, "The Banshees of Inniskree", please stop reading now.
Setting: Parish confessional booth:
Parishioner to priest: "Bless me, Father, for I've sinned. All the usual stuff, impure thoughts and the like. Alsa, I killed a miniature donkey."
Priest, who routinely arrives by boat to conduct Mass, after a beat: "Do ya really think God gives a damn abou' a donkey?"
Setting: Parish confessional booth:
Parishioner to priest: "Bless me, Father, for I've sinned. All the usual stuff, impure thoughts and the like. Alsa, I killed a miniature donkey."
Priest, who routinely arrives by boat to conduct Mass, after a beat: "Do ya really think God gives a damn abou' a donkey?"
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That would be Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson. And I got a little more than 2% funny from it.
Ukecaster
Well-known member
Feckin' right
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Songs you get tired of:
A few years back, the great Texas fiddler Johnny Gimble had a minor stroke and ended up in the hospital. On the morning after his admission, the attending physician stopped by on his rounds and said, "Mr Gimble, I expect you to make a full recovery, but there will probably be some things you can't remember".
Without missing a beat, Johnny said, "well, I hope to hell one of them is the Orange Blossom Special!"
A few years back, the great Texas fiddler Johnny Gimble had a minor stroke and ended up in the hospital. On the morning after his admission, the attending physician stopped by on his rounds and said, "Mr Gimble, I expect you to make a full recovery, but there will probably be some things you can't remember".
Without missing a beat, Johnny said, "well, I hope to hell one of them is the Orange Blossom Special!"
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Nickie
Well-known member
That's funny! I actually got to meet him once, in Texas, at a music festival. He was sporting a five string fiddle. Did you know he used to play mandolin with Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys?
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
During the first leg of a recent car trip, my family spent one night in Savannah, Georgia USA. Sadly, the city has an ever-present homeless population. Though there is nothing remotely humorous about that, I found it impossible to avoid laughing when the following occurred:
While strolling across one of the largest and most visited of city’s famous, well kept squares, we were briefly entertained by a small group of pre-teen girls practicing, and counting, a succession of cartwheels. As we passed, the girls yelled “Seventy-nine!”. A few feet away, two elderly gentlemen shared each end of a concrete park bench with all their worldly belongings. As we passed by, behind us came the cry, “Eighty!”.
One of the men glanced in our direction and exclaimed in a raspy voice, “Eighty cartwheels in a row! Just damn!”
While strolling across one of the largest and most visited of city’s famous, well kept squares, we were briefly entertained by a small group of pre-teen girls practicing, and counting, a succession of cartwheels. As we passed, the girls yelled “Seventy-nine!”. A few feet away, two elderly gentlemen shared each end of a concrete park bench with all their worldly belongings. As we passed by, behind us came the cry, “Eighty!”.
One of the men glanced in our direction and exclaimed in a raspy voice, “Eighty cartwheels in a row! Just damn!”
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Canada Jim
Well-known member
A couple of John Deere & farmer jokes:
Did you hear about the farmer whose wife ran away with a tractor salesman?
He got a John Deere letter.
The farmer and his wife were having marital troubles so he went to a marriage counselor.
That night before supper he said, "I'm headed out to the barn for a while."
He took a while and supper was gettin'cold, so she went out to the barn to get him and found him with his pants down behind the old John Deere.
"What are you doing!" she screamed.
He said that the marriage couselor had told him, "If you want the marriage to succeed, you've got to do something to a tractor."
Did you hear about the farmer whose wife ran away with a tractor salesman?
He got a John Deere letter.
The farmer and his wife were having marital troubles so he went to a marriage counselor.
That night before supper he said, "I'm headed out to the barn for a while."
He took a while and supper was gettin'cold, so she went out to the barn to get him and found him with his pants down behind the old John Deere.
"What are you doing!" she screamed.
He said that the marriage couselor had told him, "If you want the marriage to succeed, you've got to do something to a tractor."
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
I had to read the last sentence aloud because I’m slow-witted.
Canada Jim
Well-known member
A guy going down the street sees a crane hoisting a piano up through the front window of a third floor apartment of a friend of his, who plays drums. So he calls on his mobile.
The drummer says "Yeah, I finally realized I had to study piano to really understand jazz and be a serious musician."
"Wow - that's great," the guy says.
A few days later, the guy walks by again, and the crane is back, taking the piano out of the same window.
He calls the drummer again. "Man, I thought you were going to study piano, but your'e getting rid of it?"
"No, man - I'm not getting rid of it. But I've got my first lesson today and I'm on my way over there!"
The drummer says "Yeah, I finally realized I had to study piano to really understand jazz and be a serious musician."
"Wow - that's great," the guy says.
A few days later, the guy walks by again, and the crane is back, taking the piano out of the same window.
He calls the drummer again. "Man, I thought you were going to study piano, but your'e getting rid of it?"
"No, man - I'm not getting rid of it. But I've got my first lesson today and I'm on my way over there!"
Ukecaster
Well-known member
I forget, did I tell you about the 3 rings of matrimony? Well, first, there's the engagement ring. Then the wedding ring. Then the suffering! 
Boooooooo, hiss!I forget, did I tell you about the 3 rings of matrimony? Well, first, there's the engagement ring. Then the wedding ring. Then the suffering!
Ahnko Honu
Well-known member
What's the difference between a cross-eyed soldier, and a constipated owl?
The cross-eyed soldier shoots, and shoots, and can't hit.
The constipated owl hoots, and hoots, and can't sh!t.
The cross-eyed soldier shoots, and shoots, and can't hit.
The constipated owl hoots, and hoots, and can't sh!t.
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
I love Spoonerisms. If you haven't heard the late, great Archie Campbell's monologue of Cinderella (Rindercella), it's a hoot (pun intended).
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Nickie
Well-known member
Who is it that discovered how tight a ducks arse is ?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the third hand on the watch is called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-a**?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food? There is fish flavoured!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If all is not lost, where is it?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
So what's the speed of dark?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the third hand on the watch is called a second hand?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Can a stupid person be a smart-a**?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food? There is fish flavoured!
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If all is not lost, where is it?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
So what's the speed of dark?
I used to watch Tarzan movies on TV as a kid, probably saw every one, but not till now did you make me wonder why he was always so clean-shaven!
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Nickie
Well-known member
"Cheetah" was very fond of licking men's whiskers off. I heard he even kept Jane's legs hair free. Kinda like free Nair, without all the chemicals.
Canada Jim
Well-known member
I recall reading about a radio announcer who was very susceptible to Spoonerisms. The writers were smartasses and constantly fed him material that he'd goof up. It was unfortunate that he managed to get a description of a cyclone as a "great sucking funnel of wind" correct.
Jan D
Well-known member
Wow, that brings back memories. My first husband had Rindercella fully memorized, and frequently entertained kids of all ages with his rendition. And yes, it was a hoot.
