Today's Chuckle

Last weekend I stumbled onto the reason my 30-y-o chainsaw wouldn’t run. Turns out the fuel line from the tank to the carburetor had dry- rotted. I ordered a new fuel line and finger-sized filter from the manufacturer and checked YT for the “how to”. In the best video, the technician used a set of hemostat forceps to pull the new fuel line down from the top of the fuel tank.

After half an hour and my third frustrating attempt to force the new fuel line through the tiny hole, I silently admitted the necessity of the hemostat forceps. The next evening, the forceps worked even better than expected. I completed the repair and re-attached the carburetor in just over 10 minutes.

The following day, I mentioned the snazzy new tool to my older brother. His reply confused me.

He said, “You bought a preacher.”
Sensing my confusion, he explained, “That’s what granddaddy used to call any tool that saved him time and frustration. Same as a preacher [clergy], it prevented him from cussing.”

A 71 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.




Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"




God said, "No, you have another 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."




Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!




Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.




After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.




While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.




Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 25 years to live. Why didn't you pull me away from the path of the ambulance?"





God replied:


"I didn't recognize you!"

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.
When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable- an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze.
The therapist turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Jim Yates said:

Baaaaaahhhhd Vet!

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Great joke, but the title gives away the punchline!

Remember: It's impolite to ask people questions about their sinuses because that's their personal business.​

Don't be nosey.

- I got this from Upjoke, it made me laugh pretty damn hard

Q: What’s the difference between a ukulele and a trampoline?
A: People take off their shoes to jump up and down on a trampoline.



Q: What is “perfect pitch”?
A: When you throw the ukulele into the garbage can without hitting the rim.



Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a ukulele player’s arm?
A: A tattoo.


A ukulele player suddenly realizes he left his vintage ukulele out in his car overnight. He rushes outside and his heart drops when he sees that his car window is broken. Fearing the worst, he peeks through the window and finds that there are now five ukuleles in his car.


Q: What's the difference between an ukulele and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up an ukulele.

I’ll add:
Q: What’s the top request a ukulele player receives?
A: Please stop!

Good one OSF... Reminds me of this:

Joe T said:

After Quasimodo's death,
Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets
of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he
would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin
the screening process.

After observing while several applicants
demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a
lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no
arms.'

''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable
replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell,
the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his
death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached
the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted
to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a
bell.'

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but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Here's a T-Shirt ad I saw

Looks the last 2 evolutions are from guitar to uke....or is that from tenor to soprano?

My daughter is currently dating a young man who, a couple years before they met, lost one leg below the knee as a result of a freak accident. He wears a prosthesis and volunteers as a opioid addiction recovery counselor for other amputees. He's Baptist, which I'm aware of only because she has joined him at several Sunday morning services. She recently recounted a portion of their conversation during a mid-February dinner date:

SHE: "Have you ever done Lent?"

HE (visibly confused): "Never heard of that one. Do you know people who smoke stuff they dig out of their belly buttons?"

Though theology is clearly not one of his strengths, and her question was poorly phrased, I had to give the guy high marks for his sense of humor.

Joe T said:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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Marriage: not even once