Today's Chuckle

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a





Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac



Doing 65 mph



With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away


For a couple seconds...


to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,



Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;

I had to put on my seat belt

and
I dropped


My electric shaver


Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against

The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone



Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!


Splashed,



And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,



Ruined the darn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.

Darn women drivers!




 
Silly article. Why would you push a slower friend down. You only need do this if it is a faster friend.
Correct. In such a situation, always yell honestly to your friend, “No need to outrun the bear. You just hafta outrun me!”,
followed by the Ray Stevens prayer as you run, “Lord, please help. But if you can’t help me, please don’t help that bear!”
 
Correct. In such a situation, always yell honestly to your friend, “No need to outrun the bear. You just hafta outrun me!”,
followed by the Ray Stevens prayer as you run, “Lord, please help. But if you can’t help me, please don’t help that bear!”
Actually, The Preacher and the Bear is an old-time song by Geoge Fairman circa 1902, although iy's usually credited to Joe Arizonia 1904 In any case, It's well before Ray Stevens' time. I think I first heard it by Phil Harris.
 
Actually, The Preacher and the Bear is an old-time song by Geoge Fairman circa 1902, although iy's usually credited to Joe Arizonia 1904 In any case, It's well before Ray Stevens' time. I think I first heard it by Phil Harris.
Thanks for setting me straight, Jim. I stand corrected. The tune has most recently been covered by Jerry Reed and Ray Stevens and before that, if memory serves, by the late, great Andy Griffith, spoken and sang in the same hilarious cadence and accent as “What It Was Was Football”.
 
A teacher's story :



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raised her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.


'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F--k off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!


The teacher had to leave the room.
 
A regional ignoramus:
In the spring of 1991, I took a solo trip from Atlanta to Seattle, WA, and traveled through northern California, San Antonio, TX and New Orleans on the return trip. During my first full day in the Seattle area, my original intent was to board the early afternoon car ferry to Vancouver. While waiting in the ferry line with the rental car’s top down, enjoying the unexpectedly sunny 70F weather, I tuned the radio to a FM station broadcasting from Vancouver.

Shortly thereafter came the weather forecast.

The following day’s projected high temperature was 21. Upon hearing that, having no desire to revisit the snow, bone-chilling cold and wind-driven sand I'd experienced a few weeks earlier at the U.S. Army's Fort Irwin National Training Center, I immediately began the process of changing lanes to catch the Port Angeles (Olympic Peninsula) ferry instead.

I never realized my ignorance until after returning to Georgia one week later. Even the most basic degree of situational awareness should have triggered a simple mental conversion from C to F. The lack thereof diverted me from visiting Vancouver. That remains among my few regrets.
 
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1. I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears

2. Did you hear about the optician who made the biggest monocle in the world?

It was a huge spectacle

3. Doctor you’ve got to help me, l’m addicted to twitter.

Doctor: I don’t follow you.

4. I lost my wife’s audiobook

And now I’ll never hear the end of it!

5. My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

6. I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes

They did some unspeakable things to me

7. I phoned the local gym instructor and asked if he could teach me the splits

He said: “How flexible are you?

I replied, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

8. I went to McDonald’s and ordered 2 large fries

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead

9. My wife apologized for the first time ever today

She said she’s sorry she ever married me

10. Left my job at the chemical factory

It was a toxic workplace

11. Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed

I tried it and my goldfish died

12. I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which

machine should I use?”

“Try the ATM outside,” he said.

13. Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep my comb

I just can’t part with it

14. I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable
 
1. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
—Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4.Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell

9. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
 
835.jpg

This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.
 
Why was the nose sad?

Because it didn't get picked
 
View attachment 149255

This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.
Oooo...that's ruff.
 
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