Today's Chuckle

Ha... reminds me of this one:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and ... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
and the woman crashes into a female dog around the next corner.
 
A duck goes into a bar and orders a pint and pie and proceeds to read a newspaper.
The barman says, “We don’t get many pint drinking newspaper reading ducks in here, where are you from?"
"I’m a plasterer from the site across the road," he replies.
After a few days of this the manager of the local circus comes in to the bar. The barman tells him about the duck and says he might be good for the circus. The manager tells the barman to ask the duck next time he sees him if he wants a job.
When the duck comes in the next day the barman mentions the circus.
"Is that where they have a big tent with a pole in the middle?"
"Yes says the barman.
"And they have animals and acrobats?"
"Yes," says the barman.
The duck looks perplexed and says, “What the Hell would they want with a plasterer?"
 
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,

Siobhàn.
 
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.
Where's the joke I don't get it
 
Where's the joke I don't get it
Two thoughts for your reply: the heading of this thread is “today’s chuckle” (implying to me that it doesn’t need to be a joke), and it’s apparent to me that you have neither worked on a farm nor served in the military :)!!!
 
I found humour in the contrast between Army life and farm life. The Army seemed like a breeze compared to living on a farm. I guess it doesn't seem as funny when you explain it.

Two thoughts for your reply: the heading of this thread is “today’s chuckle” (implying to me that it doesn’t need to be a joke), and it’s apparent to me that you have neither worked on a farm nor served in the military :)!!!

I thought it was funny that the letter was unexpectedly signed by a daughter, rather than a son.
 
Where's the joke I don't get it
That’s humour for you and not everyone will get every joke. There are some great jokes in this thread, this is one of Nickie‘s (from the first page) and I just love it:

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE
SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKY
IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND
SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND
STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER
TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY
WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-
SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED
AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE
TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT
OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN
BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER
LICKED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD
AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:


1 - Never be arrogant

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 
Two thoughts for your reply: the heading of this thread is “today’s chuckle” (implying to me that it doesn’t need to be a joke), and it’s apparent to me that you have neither worked on a farm nor served in the military :)!!!
Granted, I have never served in the military, but I have spent a lot of time working on farms, not that it has anything to do with the post above.
 
A young woman entered a cloistered convent of nuns where she took a vow of silence. She could only say two words each year.
At the end of her first year, the young nun met with Mother Superior and was asked if she had anything to say.
"Bed hard," was the reply. Mother Superior took note and wrote it down in the book.
Another year went by and the young nun reported to Mother Superior.
"Food cold." Mother Superior wrote it down in the book.
At the end of the third year, the young woman again met again with Mother Superior.
"I quit," she said.
"Well," Mother Superior said, "It doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
 
A fellow bought a house in the English countryside. The garden was in a shambles.
Little by little he got things in order, and eventually returned that garden to its former splendor.
People from miles around stopped by and admired it.
One day a parson stopped by and complimented the man on the garden.
"And I did it all by myself," said man said.
"Well," said the parson, "with the help of the Lord."
"No," said the man, "I did it all by myself."
"But you couldn't have done it without the help of the Lord," the parson insisted.
"That may be so," said the man. "But you should have seen it when He was taking care of it by Himself."
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
A couple of guys were having lunch in a restaurant on the 45th floor. One guy said to the other, "You know there's a strange phenomena about these high rise buildings that most people are unaware of. The updraft is so strong that it's virtually impossible to fall to the ground by jumping out the window."
"You're crazy," said the other guy. "You'd kill yourself if you did that."
"No way," said the first guy. "It's perfectly safe."
"I don't believe you," said his friend.
"Well, I've actually SEEN it done," said the first guy.
"How gullible do you think I am," said his friend.
The first guy said, "I didn't want to say it, but I've actually done it myself."
"No way," said his buddy.
"OK, I'll just have to show you." The guy went to the window, opened it and jumped out. Just seconds later he came flying back through the window.
"Wow!!" said his buddy. "That's amazing. I thought you were pulling my leg."
"You should give it a try," said the first guy. "It's really a rush."
They talked for a while and finally the second guy agreed to try it out. He walked to the window, jumped out and plunged 45 stories and went "SPLAT," on the sidewalk.

The bartender, who had been polishing glasses and listening to the whole conversation, turned to the first guy and said, "You know, sometimes you can be a real s*** Superman."
 
Speaking of jumping...
Here is an old one.

There were six people on a plane. The pilot, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie.
But there were only five parachutes and the plane was going down.
The pilot grabbed one and jumped out of the plane.
Jimmy Carter said, "I'm the president of the United States so I get one."
Richard Nixon said, "I'm the former president of the United States so I get one."
And they jumped out.
Henry Kissinger said, "I'm the smartest man in the world. So I get one."
And he jumped out.
The priest looked at the boy and said, "Son, I've lived my life. You take the last parachute."
"No need for that, Father," said the boy. "The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
 
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