Today's Chuckle
- Thread starter Nickie
- Start date
OP
OP
Nickie
Well-known member
A friend just sent this. There are essentially two types of cat: Himalayan and Himawalkin.
mikelz777
Well-known member
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
The other day I was at a job interview. They said thst they wanted someone responsible.
That’s me I said. At my last job everyone said I was responsible!
That’s me I said. At my last job everyone said I was responsible!
Sniffing another dog's butthole and where they have urinated seems to be the canine version of the internet. A very apt analogy, I think.
Canada Jim
Well-known member
My wife and I have decided that we don't want kids.
We'll be telling them in the morning.
Years ago there was a cartoon in the New Yorker (I think that’s where I saw it). Two dogs are looking intently at a telephone on a desk, landline type. One says to the other, “It appears to be some sort of primitive butt-sniffing device.”
Last edited:
Canada Jim
Well-known member
The Liverpool Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi player and is so impressed he immediately arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while youwere having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while youwere having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Who is this Rorschach guy and why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid's version of “I’d like to speak with your supervisor.”
3. I don’t mean to interrupt people but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
4. I thought growing old would take longer.
5. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
6. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.
7. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
8. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
9. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate.?!
10. I see people out there zip-lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
11. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.
12. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
13. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.
14. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
15. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
16. After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.
17. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
18. For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.
19. I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and you know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
20. Now that I have lived through a plague I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.
21. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals.
2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid's version of “I’d like to speak with your supervisor.”
3. I don’t mean to interrupt people but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
4. I thought growing old would take longer.
5. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
6. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.
7. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
8. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
9. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate.?!
10. I see people out there zip-lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
11. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.
12. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
13. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.
14. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
15. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
16. After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.
17. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
18. For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.
19. I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and you know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
20. Now that I have lived through a plague I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.
21. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals.
