mikelz777
Well-known member
My daughter's hot take this morning:
"If Shrek wasn't a kids movie he'd be killing and eating people!"
"If Shrek wasn't a kids movie he'd be killing and eating people!"
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Today's Chuckle
- Thread starter Nickie
- Start date
rustydusty
Well-known member
Looks like that post was Groot’s cousin!
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Bumper stickers we saw in Alberta:
"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"There's a place for all of God's creatures - Right next to the mashed potatoes."
"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"There's a place for all of God's creatures - Right next to the mashed potatoes."
Ukecaster
Well-known member
Geez, it's mid July, barely the start of summer, and I'm already seeing back to school ads and merch, and now I'm seeing Halloween ads like this from Lowes on my phone. It'll be turkeys and Santa by mid August! 
For $398, I'd prefer a nice uke to a 12 foot lit up Reaper.
For $398, I'd prefer a nice uke to a 12 foot lit up Reaper.
Attachments
Canada Jim
Well-known member
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"
OP
OP
Nickie
Well-known member
LAST RIDE ON MY HARLEY
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
On my neighborhood web site someone asked
”Does anyone know someone who does a good job mounting TV’s?”
My mind immediately went where it shouldn’t, then went to taxiderm, but I restrained myself and I didn’t respond.
Hope y’all are staying cool.
”Does anyone know someone who does a good job mounting TV’s?”
My mind immediately went where it shouldn’t, then went to taxiderm, but I restrained myself and I didn’t respond.
Hope y’all are staying cool.
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
The wood grain of happiness!
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Four clergymen were on a hunting trip and one evening in the hunting shack they decided to play a game of confession. Each of them agreed to confess their worst sin.
The Catholic priest said, "My sin is lust. I have a box under my bed that contains a pile of dirty magazines and every so often I take a look at them."
The Episcopal preacher said, "My sin is greed. I never put more than 25 cents in the collection plate."
The Lutheran pastor said, "My sin is gluttony and sometimes I'll just get in the car, drive to a far away town and hit the drive through. I'll order 4 quarter pounder and a big bucket of fries and find a quiet place to sit and wolf them down."
The Baptist minister confessed, "My sin is gossip and I can't wait to get home from this trip."
The Catholic priest said, "My sin is lust. I have a box under my bed that contains a pile of dirty magazines and every so often I take a look at them."
The Episcopal preacher said, "My sin is greed. I never put more than 25 cents in the collection plate."
The Lutheran pastor said, "My sin is gluttony and sometimes I'll just get in the car, drive to a far away town and hit the drive through. I'll order 4 quarter pounder and a big bucket of fries and find a quiet place to sit and wolf them down."
The Baptist minister confessed, "My sin is gossip and I can't wait to get home from this trip."
Oldscruggsfan
Well-known member
SIGN OF THE TIMES:
Our route to the nearest Trader Joes takes us past a well-maintained 1970's-vintage home fronting a busy highway near Roswell, Georgia, USA.
For at least a decade, attached to the home's exterior near the entrance door has been a 4' x 8' sign stating, "Psychic/ Palm Reader" in white letters against a bright red background.
Since 2020, a much smaller, realtor-style sign has stood near the highway bearing a clarifying message:
"All readings by telephone only"
Our route to the nearest Trader Joes takes us past a well-maintained 1970's-vintage home fronting a busy highway near Roswell, Georgia, USA.
For at least a decade, attached to the home's exterior near the entrance door has been a 4' x 8' sign stating, "Psychic/ Palm Reader" in white letters against a bright red background.
Since 2020, a much smaller, realtor-style sign has stood near the highway bearing a clarifying message:
"All readings by telephone only"
Canada Jim
Well-known member
Normally I don't appreciate ethnic humour, but I thought I'd pass this along:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Hungarian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a South African and two Canadians walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,"but you can't come in here without a Thai. "
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Hungarian, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a South African and two Canadians walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,"but you can't come in here without a Thai. "
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
Two little boys talking.
”A little bird told me what type of lawyer your father is.”
”What was that?”
”Cheep, cheep!”
The second boy paused and replied,
”Well, a little duck told me what type of doctor YOUR father is.”
”A little bird told me what type of lawyer your father is.”
”What was that?”
”Cheep, cheep!”
The second boy paused and replied,
”Well, a little duck told me what type of doctor YOUR father is.”
