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Thread: Singing the Blues - Requirements

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Catskill Mountains, NY

    Default Singing the Blues - Requirements

    I found this online somewhere. If it was posted here, I apologize for the duplication. It's very funny.

    Requirements for singing the Blues

    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:

    "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."

    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
    Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
    Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
    Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
    Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.
    In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough for the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
    Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
    Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best place to have the Blues.
    You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
    Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.
    Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
    Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. Highway
    b. Jailhouse
    c. Empty bed
    d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

    Bad places:
    a. Dillard's
    b. Gallery Openings
    c. Ivy League Institutions
    d. Golf Courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    a. You older than dirt
    b. You blind
    c. You shot a man in Memphis
    d. You can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a 401K or trust fund

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
    Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.
    Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. Cheap Wine
    b. Whiskey or Bourbon
    c. Muddy Water
    d. Nasty Black Coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast

    15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
    So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke down cot.
    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather cannot sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc)
    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
    Too many ukes, but I can't stop buying!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Ames, Iowa


    That is very funny, and so true.
    I don't want to live in a world that is linear.

    I just want everyone to understand that I am not a ukulele expert, even though it may look at times like I'm pretending to be.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Southern California


    Terrific, just terrific. I copied it. Thanks a lot, Jerryc41. I’ll read it when the blues gits me down - yeah, yeah . . .
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBE - Finger style
    Gold Tone “Mini” Travel banjo - Steel GCEA - Noodling
    Luna “Peace” concert - CGBD Plectrum music

    Kala tenor eight string - gGcCEEAA Strum ‘n Sing

    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA - Wall hanger
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B Wall hanger
    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano - Wall hanger
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - Bookshelf

    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2013


    Possible exception to #5 and maybe #16, Mercedes Benz by Janet Joplin.
    Kamaka HF3, Tenor
    Martin S1, Soprano
    Ko'olau C1, Concert
    Flight TUS-35

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Upper Hale, Surrey/Hants border, UK.


    That's Janis, of course.....
    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2010


    Does this fit the bill? (note that he plays slide ukulele)

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2013


    Quote Originally Posted by Croaky Keith View Post
    That's Janis, of course.....
    Yup, I must have had a Senior moment!
    Kamaka HF3, Tenor
    Martin S1, Soprano
    Ko'olau C1, Concert
    Flight TUS-35

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Nashville, TN USA


    Haha, that's a good one! But, it omitted the main requirement to sing the blues: Ya gotta pay your dues.
    If music be the food of love, play on! -Bill Shakespeare

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2013


    And then here's Robert Klein breaking all the blues rules:

    Kamaka HF3, Tenor
    Martin S1, Soprano
    Ko'olau C1, Concert
    Flight TUS-35

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2015


    There is a blues venue in Copenhagen with the slogan:
    "You can't play the Blues in an airconditioned room."

    Sort of the same ballgame.
    Ohana SK30M mahogany super-soprano, Cort UKEBWCOP Blackwood concert, Anuenue African Mahogany Tenor, Fluke Koa Tenor, Hora M1176 spruce Tenor

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