Playing In Band & Unhappy!

Honestly, it sounds less like the guitarist is a jerk and more like you two have completely different goals with the band. It sounds like you and the other members want to have fun where the guitarist is trying to make it the best band possible at the expense of fun - like he’s trying to take the band to a higher plane. And maybe the rest of you don’t want that and just want to have fun - and that’s totally fine.

Like others have said, a conversation needs to take place, but it doesn’t have to lead to him being kicked out yet (especially if the band is friends who go to the same church and this kind of stuff could lead to awkward interactions - or worse - whenever you see each other). Maybe he just needs to be reined in that this is a FUN band, not a serious band. If he wants to make a serious band, he should absolutely do that and the rest of you wouldn’t hold any hard feelings because you all just want to be happy. But if he wants to just have some fun with friends, keep him in the band.

From many posts here, it sounds like people expect the the original poster has the position to kick the guitarist out from the band, or that the rest of the band as a group has a problem with him. I don't read that from the original post. What if the group would rather lose the uke player than the guitarist? I don't think a big confrontation is all that wise if you don't know the groups position.

I think it would be wise to get an opinion from someone else in the band. If there is another incident, pull someone aside after and ask if they also hear the problems the guitarist does. Just to know the lay of the land. Perhaps the problem is only there when the electric guitar is there, because the two stringed instruments have clashing timing, and its fine on its own.

If he is a good a musician as his mouth is big, it should be possible to make some compromise. On some songs he adapts his playing to your ukulele playing, and on others he prints a fulls set of tabs for what he actually wants you to play, in time for you to practice, in stead of just putting you down. Is he recognized as the "leader" of the band, an authority with more knowledge than the rest, or does he just assume that role himself?

I don't know a lot about arrangements and stuff, but the strums and arpeggios that sound sweet when I play them alone, don't always go well the few times I have played uke along with guitar. It is tricky to get them to compliment each other right. Doable of course, but one or both need to adapt.
Disclaimer, I never played in a band except for back in school and that was not on ukulele. I have only played a bit with my father a handfull of times.

Regardless of group dynamics, a private talk Mano e Mano seems the right place to start. Talking to others first will seem catty. If you get nowhere, THEN a talk with your band mates would be in order. Even if your playing IS problematic, the way that it’s being handled needs to be addressed.

I go to a jam where the leader publicly commented to an enthusiastic beginner banjo player that his timing was terrible and he needed to practice more and play quieter. He was bad, but that certainly wasn’t the way to handle it. Even privately, criticism can be hard to hear, but publicly, it is humiliating. Needless to say, the banjo player didn’t come again, for a very long time. At another jam a member leading a song stopped mid-song and asked another player if he knew his chords because what he was playing was all wrong.The newbie was floored. I never saw him again.

I go to lots of jams and this kind of behavior is thankfully pretty uncommon but when it does happen, it’s a reminder to me to BE KIND. BE RESPECTFUL.

Interesting responses. Some much more diplomatic than mine and each has merit. But for me, I don't like to drag everyone else into my fights. If I have a problem with someone I like to take care of it one on one. I've been on the diplomatic side of these things and I really hate it when someone puts me in a position where I have to chose between them and someone else. I'm just saying. I don't think there is ever a good way, but bringing everyone together to pick sides seems to me a pretty divisive maneuver unless you are sure everyone else is like minded.

Interesting that bazam2020 the original poster hasn't been back. I wonder what he thinks about the advice?

In the first few months of playing uke about 7 years ago, I was graciously accepted into the group Lori is in, the Westside Ukulele Ensemble. I carried on for almost a year, but all through it I was feeling inadequate compared to the other accomplished players. During a rehearsal for an upcoming U-Space gig, I was called out for "not keeping up" by one guy who I always found to have a superior attitude, even though everyone was fumbling here and there. That was my breaking point and with regret, I left the group to eliminate all the stress.

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This is Michael Kohan in Los Angeles, Beverly Grove near the Beverly Center
9 tenor cutaway ukes, 4 acoustic bass ukes, 12 solid body bass ukes, 14 mini electric bass guitars (Total: 39)

• Donate to The Ukulele Kids Club, they provide ukuleles to children in hospital music therapy programs. www.theukc.org
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As BIll1 has just outlined. Fights and disagreements in Bands are legendary.
Join the club.

As a sideways reference to the OP' band starting from a church group I will add. The whole notion that "Heaven" will have a great band of musicians making great music is completely false even for those who believe in the afterlife.
When your in heaven the "band" will a mixture of crying babies, howling cats, clanking garbage trucks and barking dogs and you know what? It will be the best thing that you have EVER heard because in "Heaven" you will no longer judge anything.

Judgement is the root of all suffering.

No, the GREAT band of musicians is going to be in HELL. Seriously. TO be a great musician and a great band then self criticism by the truck load is the order of the day.

Do you want to be in a fun group or a band?

Croaky Keith said:

It's your band - show him the door! :music:

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I'm with Keith on this one. You started the band. If doesn't like the way things are done, it's time to sack him. It's not his band.

I learned a long time ago this maxim: Praise in public, criticize in private.

Unless the person in question is the defacto leader, director or arranger of the music, then he can make suggestions but he can't dictate the way others are playing.

Unfortunately, there are some people who believe their way is the only way. They may be excellent players and think their criticisms are helping others to become better players. But I have also encountered quite mediocre players who want everything to be the same as a certain artist recorded the music, or they learned the song a particular way, or they have a certain style of playing and think that everyone should play that way.

Then there are the constant critics that seem to offer destructive criticism no matter what. Regardless of the way things sound.

So, you have to decide if he makes valid points. And if he does, inform him that he comes across as belittling rather than encouraging. That you accept many of his suggestions, but don't appreciate the way that he makes them. Tell him why you feel that way. He'll either accommodate you, or he will scoff and say that's just the way he is, and he's not going to change. If he isn't willing to change his approach, then politely, yet firmly tell him that the fit is not right with your group and that he needs to leave. He may try to rally the others to his defense. So be prepared to leave if most of the others agree with your antagonist.

If he is willing, then accept that he will slip up from time to time. Make a little joke of it, but let him know that he is doing it again. And carry on.

Best of luck.

He may just not be the right "fit" for the group. Groups have to be able to work with one another. If he doesn't fit, then politely show him the door. He may not realize that he is making you miserable. He might be a former professional who has trouble working with an amateur group.

I was a professional musician for the first half of my life. I played in about a half dozen bands. I was lucky that the first band I played in let me know rather quickly when I was stepping over the line. After that, I got along with most of the people I worked with.

If you are doing this for fun, and he is ruining the fun for you, let him know.

One thing you might do is this -- if he says "That's the wrong pattern." ask him to show you how the right pattern goes. This switches his perspective from bossy jerk to teacher.

Funny - I hadn'theard of Fanner till yesterday, and now you mention it again. How do you like the steel strings?

Playing a uke should be fun. When you're not enjoying the experience, it's time to leave. Talk to the others and see what they think. It would be a shame to leave the band you started, but you don't want to make yourself miserable. Maybe you could invite him to leave.

Jerryc41 said:

Funny - I hadn'theard of Fanner till yesterday, and now you mention it again. How do you like the steel strings?

Playing a uke should be fun. When you're not enjoying the experience, it's time to leave. Talk to the others and see what they think. It would be a shame to leave the band you started, but you don't want to make yourself miserable. Maybe you could invite him to leave.

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I had Brian Fanner in South Africa build me a custom bass uke after I looked over his Etsy site. $850 including shipping. Good work.

Jerryc41 said:

Funny - I hadn'theard of Fanner till yesterday, and now you mention it again.

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Non Sequitur:

I had a "Fanner50" play six gun when I was a kid and Westerns were the big thing on television.

Now back to the original thread already in progress...

Still no sign of bazam2020. Maybe Fanner knows where he is.