Playing In Band & Unhappy!

bazam2020

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Hi All, I need some support and your thoughts on this situation.

Ive been playing Ukulele for about 3 years self taught. My family and friends think i play well. I have two Ukulele's.

An Ashton Acoustic Soprano GCEA tuned, nylon strings with belcat pick. And a Fanner Pixelator Tenor GCEA tuned electric with metal strings and two hand wound pick-ups which sounds amazing.

I can strum reasonably well and pick chords and progressions but prefer to not use a pick as like to using finger/thumb. I mostly strum patterns by ear to which suit the rythm and tempo and timing of the song and are usually pretty close to the recommended strum pattern for a particular song but not always exact. Or I strum what I like that sounds good.

I have struggle with learning recommended patterns as written down for a given song you D U D D U U D stuff.

I recently started a band with group fellow musicians, and this is when things have gone bad for me.

The electric guitarist Mr X who is also self taught player, just doesn't like anything i play. He criticises everything: comments like:

* no thats wrong pattern
* no pick that section
* copies my strum and says don't do that
* no just use down strokes for this one
* no you need to be playing scales.

Its reached the point where I stop playing during rehearsal as lose all my confidence.

Their is some significant generational issues too of about 30 years. Me being the older side.

When this guitar player is absent from group, and I play well with rest band members and their are no complaints and all goes well. We all have a great time and enjoy the whole session.

I have reached the point last rehearsal where I totally lost confidence and can't play when he's there. Yesterday I just wanted to leave the band I started.

I am still learning and and I don't have the all the skills this guitarist thinks; or expect I should have. At my age it's takes longer to learn.

I also feel he doesn't appreciate how different the Ukulele is too a standard Guitar in way it can be played and used.

By the way we are a casual Church Garage Band.

Need some advice on what next from here....
 
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So who is in charge? If he wrote the songs then he can also have dibs on arrangement and if you are not able to follow his instructions it may be time to move on. If you started the band and picked songs he doesn't have business to tell you how to play. Guitar players are easily replaced so give him the boot and find someone who is a better fit.
 
Being in an amateur band should be all about fun and a source of stress relief. It sounds like it is not happening with you due to that 1 guy. Does he know how you feel? If not, maybe have a talk with him/entire band because he may not know that he's putting all this pressure on you.

Do you guys had deadlines to meet? Maybe the guitarist wants to meet the deadline and is stressing people out. In that case, just agree on goals for each practice so you are meeting a pre-set goal rather than chasing somebody who wants everybody to go a some random speed.

I used to belong to a little band about 5 years ago. Our age gap was 20 years. Sure, sometimes I was too embarrassed to show up (because I didn't put in any practice); but otherwise, it was a lot of fun. We didn't know each other before the band. Even after forming the band, we weren't really friends. We were like friends only during band practice; we don't see each other outside of the band (we'll text and email a little, very little).

Even then, everybody was very supportive and genuinely want to help. We were there to have a good time and to improve.

Which brings me to this weird episode. A few weeks ago, I got a text from one of the band member (now, remember, this band ended 5 years ago); I only know she's from the band because I recognized her name (she's no longer in my contacts list) and she referenced our band. It was out of the blue and creepy, so I showed my wife. Wife was more curious and wanted me to reply, but I deleted it.
 
I'v been playing for 62 years and presently play lead guitar in a bluegrass group and lead baritone a uke group. We mostly play for senior centers, church groups and assisted living facilities. This is a church group? Seems a bit hypocritical for this guy to be dissing others and singing church songs. I've been in so many bands thru the years and always seems to be one who has to ruin it for others. Like the others mentioned, he sounds like a pompous jerk.

You started the group and the others, more than likely, joined because of you. it's time to have a sit down and lay out your concerns. You started the group to have fun and play together to praise the Lord. With the groups I play with, the range of playing instruments is months to decades playing; a few of us professionally. We leave the egos at the door with the newer members learning by osmosis and positive reinforcement. it's playing from the heart and soul not certain strokes here or there. I suggest this guy has a low self esteem or an over exaggeration of his capabilities.

It sounds like you really enjoy playing with the others. You started the group, take charge and clear the air. You may be surprised the others feel the same way when he talks that way. The group is for fun and relaxation. I hope you don't quit. Talk it out. If the guy says he's just trying to make you or the group better, tell him he's doing the opposite and suggest ways for him to turn it around. It may be he needs to find another group that has the same aspirations and skill level he thinks he has.
 
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It's your band - show him the door! :music:

I don't shy from confrontation myself, and I would actually rise up to this one in a micro second. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't draw the other members of the band into it and I wouldn't turn it into a democracy. It's time to establish who's band it is. I would take him aside and ask him when you put him in charge. Then tell him to worry about his own playing and to shut up and quit worrying about yours. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. But that's me. I have a lot of practice telling people to shut up.
 
Sounds like time for the band to have a conversation with all members present. So long as you are playing in time with the correct cords/notes I wouldn't worry so much about specific strum/pick/pattern. Learning new material is not always easy but overall the band should be a fun expereince.
 
I also agree, time for everyone to sit down and have a grown up conversation. Let everyone have their say (within reason) and then all agree how to proceed. Tell him how his comments make you feel (he might not realise and might be thinking he's being helpful, I don't know) and then draw a line under what has happened already and agree a new way of moving forward.

I hope you work it out. I think it's possible to carry on without anyone being voted out <3
 
This is a praise band. Do the Christian thing and speak privately to your band mate, from your heart. Assume he has the best intentions and is oblivious to the negative effect he is having on you. If you approach the topic in a non-confrontational manner, explaining (like you did in your post) that his comments/directions are making you feel very pressured and taking the joy out of the band experience for you, I’m thinking he will come around. If not, at least you two know where you stand and have cleared the air. If it then winds up that he is not a receptive to modifying his behavior and you have to “suggest” he find a better fit in another band, you won’t feel like you haven’t done the right thing and given a person a chance to change. Sometimes it only takes shining a little light for someone to see better. Pray for God to show you the way and help you approach your talk with an open heart. Best wishes.
 
The guitarist probably thinks they're helping, but I agree with Keith and Rllink. Not every musician plays well with every band, and criticisms which undermine confidence are seldom welcome. Tell the guitarist to keep their unsolicited criticisms to themselves. If they cannot, kick them out of the band.
 
Another take on this:

- record the rehearsal and listen to it, ask yourself if you(!) like what you hear, if yes, start preparing an arrangement yourself and ask the others to play what you(!) want, so that can be your first song, and more to come...(!) the other songs are not your songs so there you try(!?!) to play what is asked of you, again record it, make notes and practise... like that you can be happy, and even - if you want - avoid a confrontation

- give it time, the "other" member will eventually get used to what you do, and how you feel the music...

- record the rehearsal and ask yourself if it is good what you play... if you have doubts ask a teacher/coach for guidance... can even be done online... like that you could enter uncharted territories...

- start a new band... even with some existing members... who knows...
 
This is a praise band. Do the Christian thing and speak privately to your band mate, from your heart. Assume he has the best intentions and is oblivious to the negative effect he is having on you. If you approach the topic in a non-confrontational manner, explaining (like you did in your post) that his comments/directions are making you feel very pressured and taking the joy out of the band experience for you, I’m thinking he will come around. If not, at least you two know where you stand and have cleared the air. If it then winds up that he is not a receptive to modifying his behavior and you have to “suggest” he find a better fit in another band, you won’t feel like you haven’t done the right thing and given a person a chance to change. Sometimes it only takes shining a little light for someone to see better. Pray for God to show you the way and help you approach your talk with an open heart. Best wishes.

I agree with this, especially given the spiritual component of your relationship, which makes this a different kind of conflict than a typical band dispute. If you are playing for a church service, I also recommend letting your pastor into the conversation and have them help facilitate a conversation if you can’t resolve it on your own. Any clergy person should be happy to help.

Sometimes, people approach worship music very technically, which is beneficial in some church settings and detrimental in others (I’ve experienced both being a drummer in a serious worship band). I encourage you to get the entire band together and establish some ground rules (or a covenant, if that fits better) for how you practice and treat one another. If it doesn’t work out after that, at least you explored all opportunities for reconciliation and can move on with that confidence.
 
Many people have good suggestions about dealing with this person.

This guitarist sounds like a real jerk - he should concentrate on what he's playing & butt out. What gives him the right to criticize anyone else? Your band would be better off without him.
 
My advice is, not to take it personal. But, in the interest of saving time, and saving face, I would ask your guitarist if you could discuss these things with him in private. I know how bad it feels to be reprimanded in front of a whole band.
We've lost 3 members from our band, one at a time. One said she felt intimidated by 'superior talent', we couldn't talk her into staying. Another quit due to a misunderstanding, and yet another quit because she felt our rehearsals were too long and too often. Yet, we all remain friends, because no one took it personal.
I Wish you good luck, you deserve to be happy!
 
If he's not working out, replace him with a ukulele player (maybe a baritone uke). Uke players are the best.

–Lori
 
Probably too late, but you might privately ask another member of the band if they agree with the guitarist. The idea to record the session is also good, imho. While the guitarist in question is being a bit of a jerk, it's always good to get as impartial opinion as possible to see if there's any basis for his undiplomatic criticisms. If there's no basis for it, I'd have him part ways with your band. People that do things like that tend to cause other issues as well, in my experience. Some people just need to feel superior to others, regardless of the merit.
 
Re reading your thread Baz, a few things come to mind. You're three years in so know chord changes in your sleep. He's right, you are at the stage to pay more attention to rhythm and listening to those around you; he just hasn't learned how to express it. If you have sheet music, mark the down strokes where they're to be with a down arrow for each stroke. You can still do the up stroke, just don't touch the strings. It'll add color to the chord. For the same rhythm pattern challenge; play a different chord position. If you're both playing first position, it sounds drab. Your job as rhythm is to blend in and add color. You may want to be trying second and third position chord changes.

Just a few suggestions from an old player. You should always have pencil and paper for notes. Believe me, you won't remember as it seems here. There's the leader of the band and the person who leads arranging the music. It can be the same person or not. What ever the decision on the song. Write down the changes.

A good way for playing rhythm is it starts from the elbow and kind of like snapping your fingers, with a relaxed wrist. I use the back of my finger nails for the rhythm and thumb for melody just brushing the strings.. A relaxed wrist helps bigtime. I never used metronomes but lately am finding they really help with the timing.

Making mistakes is part of the fun. As you bond and get better there's fewer mistakes. The audience gets a kick out how the energy is between you, not how perfect it is.

I can't see you quitting Baz. This is what makes you happy. You are providing God's music, from the heart, to those believing the same way. There is nothing finer than playing in a group. Your job as leader is to speak privately with him and discuss your concerns and work out possible solutions. If it's worked out with the two of you and you feel it necessary, speak with the rest of the group. If not, leave it alone. As leader your job is to remind them they are there to have fun. Where else would they play with others.

Congratulations on three years in; sounds like you've reached the next level. Once you get the rhythm down, you'll be throwing in a few riffs in between.

Lol, I've got years in Baz, and that DUUD strokes baffles me still.
 
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This is a bit ironic - in church settings I've been during my life it's usually the older generation who behave like the guitarist and the younger ones who have to take the crap. Could be a cultural difference (Asian ethnic churches)
 
Some people would say this fellow is a pain in the neck - I have a much lower opinion.....

No, try using communication techniques, tell this gentleman:

When you criticize me on my playing techniques, I feel uncertain and I am unsettled. I want to be happy and enjoying the playing and I find myself not enjoying the playing.

So stop being a butt head, stop being uncertain of your techniques to the point of proving how good you are by disempowering others.

Tongue in cheek, ....

The non confrontational is
When you, I feel, so please “do this/ don’t do that”

Hopefully this will work.
If you ain’t having fun, it ain’t worth doing.
 
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