Can I have some good thoughts from everyone?

Chris Tarman said:

Thanks everyone. This was a good day, although the therapist I was scheduled to see on my own at 5pm stood me up! But things have been good at home.

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hahaha. I'm not laughing at what happened, but you worded it pretty well
hahaha.

Prayers sent up for you and your wife. Do everything you can to keep things as positive as you can right now. The running thing you mentioned will help with that. And of course the counselling.keep it positive and always take the high road no matter what and you'll get through this alright.

Hope things work out for you guys...
Good vibes being sent your way...

Hey Chris - as with everyone else, my good vibes and prayers are with you and your wife. But I thought I'd reply here to say - WOW! what a community has been built on this little, virtual rock. It's so great to see people reaching out to one another. We're with ya, man, and you've got a safe place to be you. -m

Chris-Tim here-we have talked on the bass section a few times. I just noticed your post here and I will be keeping you and your wife in my prayers. I have been married 25 years. Seems the last few have been the hardest. My kids are grown and I am established in my career. I think that is when the "guard" comes down between two people that worked so hard together to establish a life/career/family. I know I have had to re-evaluate the way I have treated my wife...everyday. Counciling is a good thing too. Don't give up.

just read through the posts here and got a little choked up. i feel for you. sometimes life is just too heavy. here's some music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAMm5ry64MA&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aelR842p_78

hang in there bro. you're not alone.
peace. rock. jc

Aloha Bruddah Chris,
Just checking back on you....I know you have the biggest heart for forgiveness and understanding....and for that it will work out..Best Wishes...Your friend, Stan

Thank you everyone. Things are going relatively well, I suppose. As well as (or maybe slightly better than) can be expected. It's been up and down. I wish it was possible to speed up time and get to the point in the counseling where we actually know if anything is happening! It's hard to tell after just two sessions!

My individual therapist apologized PROFUSELY for forgetting to write down my appointment and "standing me up". She rescheduled it for the soonest time I could do it (which was last night), and didn't charge me for the session. That was nice of her. So.... things are coming along, I guess. I've tried very hard to change some of the things I was doing/not doing (spending too much time on the computer, not noticing housework that needed doing, not going to bed at the same time as her, etc). I know she notices and appreciates my efforts, but it's hard not to think I might be doing more damage than good with the sudden "smothering of attention". Now, I just have to wait for her to figure out if I'm still what she wants in life. I know she is what I want in life. I've known that for about 25 years. I just forgot to show it very often for the last few years.

BTW, all this talking about "my therapist" and that sort of thing is VERY new and alien to me!

^ I think it's awesome that you're both working on this together.

Many blessings to both of you, and good for your therapist for coming through albeit belatedly!

Holding a good thought for you and your wife Chris.

Not so much advice as observation: we go to school for almost 20 years but don't have to take Healthy Relationships 101- 402, etc. as core classes. We learn that outside of school with generally less than healthy role models.

The perspective that helped me cope the most when I wanted to load my husband's stuff in his car, throw the keys out the door and change all the locks on the house is something I read about a couple in their 80s, who when the wife was asked what was the secret of their long marriage essentially answered "We never fell out of love with each other at the same time".

Advice? Have compassion for yourself and your partner, and keep on making the grass greener on your side.

^ great comment, Teek.

I was just saying the "no formal emotional education" thing to a friend yesterday.

Hey Chris - I was just wondering how you and your bride are doing. I hope all is well. You certainly have received some sage advice here on this life line. And imagine, when I signed on I thought that this was just about ukuleles! What I didn't know then and I do know now is that ukes are the conduit to connection. So stay connected and know that there are so many of us here that care about how both of you are doing in this transitional time. As my daughter always reminds me: don't worry, be happy, 'cause everything little thing, is gonna be alright.

Peace -m

Thanks to everyone for their comments. We're doing ok, but are kind of in limbo at the moment. Our couples counselor said my wife should meet with another therapist to try to work out some things on her own before there was really any point in continuing as a couple. That was kind of a blow, but I understand it, at least on an intellectual level. She's had a hard time scheduling any sessions, but did meet with one therapist that she didn't really connect with. She had another appointment scheduled, but has had to cancel it because of a conflict at the same time. So that kind of sucks... I've been meeting with a therapist on my own since the very first week, but I would really like to be back in couples sessions. We've been having a lot of ups and downs, and I'm feeling pretty lost because my wife doesn't seem ready to commit to working on US just yet. Being away for a week was pretty rough on me, even though I had fun in Chicago at the pipe-collecting show I attend every year. I drove though, so I had a lot of "thinking" time, which was not necessarily a good thing. And I had a hard time sleeping once I was alone with my thoughts.
One way or another, we'll be alright. I just really really hope we'll be alright TOGETHER. I am already well on my way to being an eccentric, with the pipe-collecting and ukulele playing/collecting. I don't want to end up as that crazy old guy who lives alone with his pipes and ukuleles. I'm odd enough as it is!

There is hope. My husband and I separated for 3 months, but have reconciled, and are working things out. A marriage counselor helped. There is a forum called Talk About Marriage which has a separation and divorce section, which is helpful only in helping you feel not quite so alone. Of course, it in no way compares to the UU forum!

bbqribs said:

There is hope. My husband and I separated for 3 months, but have reconciled, and are working things out. A marriage counselor helped. There is a forum called Talk About Marriage which has a separation and divorce section, which is helpful only in helping you feel not quite so alone. Of course, it in no way compares to the UU forum!

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Aloha BBQSU,
Glad to hear the great news that you and you hubby has reconciled.......and things have improved....MM Stan

Aloha Chris,
Hang in there Bruddah....things will get better...glad you had time to think things out..on your drive..wishing you both the best wishes....keep us informed...Take Care and Many blessings..MM Stan