The Raven Colony: Voran's diary

[Voran]

Ice blue highlights

 

[Voran]

 

[Bill1]

You may already have done these free courses:

National Biodiversity Data Centre

learn.biodiversityireland.ie

 

[Voran]

Not hugely fussed about taking courses to be honest. I enjoy just going outside and being around insects and birds.

 

[Voran]

I tried playing some longer time controls in chess today because it's good for thinking skills.

Holy crap what an absolute god damn ragnarok of blunders.

I made 17 blunders in one game yall

SEVENTEEN blunders

I do not survive well in a calm, quiet environment. I need the fast furious high adrenaline atmosphere of rapid.

 

[Voran]

It's taking me a while to decompress and get him out of my system. I still find myself writing a lot of dark, angry, sexually charged lyrics (ok, granted, when do I not write dark, angry, sexually charged lyrics). I'm annoying myself at this point - I'd like to get back to singing about albatrosses and eagles, but it also seems healthy to get it out the system. Things don't just magically go away. I swallowed a lot of stress because I felt I had to 'rescue' him, and now I still have these 'aftershocks' where I realize there is now no pressure to do anything. No need to call him all the time, no need to make stuff happen NOW, no need to scramble to save like mad NOW so we can do things together. It's like I get the opposite of a panic attack...a happiness-and-relaxation attack.

I wrote this new song just now called I'm Telling Lies:

The least of all the dark mirror virtues
Black smoke and twisted light ray, foolish naivety
I didn't mean to construct this hollowed copy of me
But you can't read what's behind these blue grey eyes

I said I love you but I'm telling lies
I don't know how I found myself in these binds
My mind's a kaleidoscope, I'm narcotized
I said I love you but I'm telling lies

I'm not quite sure how this happened
This terrible labyrinth reaches for miles underground
I didn't mean to mislead him for countless miles down, down, down,
I should have known what's behind those gold-brown eyes

I said I love you but I'm telling lies
I don't know how I found myself in these binds
My mind's a kaleidoscope, I'm narcotized
I said I love you but I'm telling lies

 

[Voran]

Some wonderful news. Just heard from my old Russian friend after radio silence for a whole year. Overjoyed, relieved, and very, very proud of him for refusing to join the Russian military. No idea exactly what happened and he's offline right now but we'll catch up. Would like to go give him a big hug and buy him a drink but he's in Serbia.

 

[Voran]

Just caught up with him. He said he was called up to fight and barely made it out of the country. Said if he didn't make it over the border he was going to just go to jail rather than ever point a gun at a Ukrainian.

Yall, I need everyone here to join in being really f***ng proud of Dmitry. He's got guts.

 

[Voran]

I was enjoying the song Wrap My Words Around You, until I happened to muse to myself that if you change a few words it becomes a song about a boa constrictor strangling someone, and now I can't stop laughing.

 

[Voran]

It's odd, I had not thought about Peter in a while, but I feel an odd surge of guilt this evening.

I do feel bad for not giving him the loving relationship he wanted so desperately.

I tried, but I got increasingly fed up because it was a compromise, not what I wanted.

This one night we sent some intimate messages back and forth and then afterwards he was talking and talking about his feelings and how in love he was and how it was so great to have this love and closeness in his life.

And I went on autopilot and said the right mushy things, but I was getting increasingly irritated because I really wanted a game of rapid or blitz, but obviously I couldn't go play chess while keeping up a conversation with him, because my attention would be split in 2 and I'd blunder.

And I kept up a facade and privately seethed because Jesus Christ, are you done? I JUST want to sip Red Bull and have a game of rapid chess and you won't bloody shut up about love this and love that, PLEASE just GO to BED you're pissing me off and I'm gonna have a terrible case of the blunders now because you're in my head, oh my God you're actually still going, how do you manage to say so many words about cuddling, dear God can I go now

And I felt a mixture of delight and pent up rage when he finally ran out of mushy things to say and went to bed. Took it all out on my opponents via some fast loose and reckless tactics. Hey, it worked. I lost a few but I won more. Blundered a lot but thought my way out of it. I was down a ton of material at one point but did some complicated maneuver with my queen and won.

That's bad isn't it? The poor man wanted to be loved, and I just. wanted. to go play some rapid or blitz. IN PEACE.

It goes against every ideal of mine to just not give a crap about someone's feelings like that, yet here I am, not giving a crap.

I guess there's a reason why men write songs comparing us to black widow spiders, she-wolves, mantises and scorpions.

 

[Voran]

In positive news: I saw a gigantic neon green dragonfly today. Alas I didn't get pictures of him or her. I'll write a song though. I got some bright but very primal and slightly ominous sounding chords that would suit a giant green winged insect.

 

[Voran]

I want to play some rapid now but I'm tired and hazy today and there is absolutely no need to go and drop 200+ ELO points.

I found an online chess clock and I think I'm just going to go set up a board and play rapid with myself.

Very tiring and confusing but a useful learning exercise, because you have to think your hardest as both black and white.

 

[Voran]

Here, I'll log it here for amusement so yall can enjoy too

 

[Voran]

Here goes:

1. e4 e5
2. Nf3 Nf6
3. Nc3 Nc6
4. Nxd5 exNd5
5. Be2 Nd4?? (Just blundered against mySELF yall, probably not the best for my attention span to be logging this, but it's fun)
6. Nxe5 Bd6
7. O-O?? Bxe5 (oops only noticed this 1 move later, this is why I am not live on chess.com playing for actual ELO points right now, too tired)
8. c3 Nf5
9. Qc2 Nd6
10. f4 Bxf4 (yeah, I am a zombie today)
11. c4 Qe7
12. Rxf4 Qxd7
13. Rd5 Qxd5?? (OOPS HUGE BLUNDER...didn't actually notice until I moved as black...not taking it back though or I learn nothing)
14. exd5 Kd8
15. e5 Nxc4
16. Qf5 Rf8
17. Qxh7 Re8
18. Qxg7 Nxe5
19. d3 Nxd3
20. Bg5+ Re7
21. Qf8++

White wins.

 

[Voran]

LOL a while back during the world chess championships, there was outrage on a livestream of Ding vs Nepo because someone made the comment 'Ding is pooping his pants right now' (meaning, Ding blundered, his concentration is gone)

Personally I find that motivational, not offensive.

I want to be good enough at chess that someday when I'm playing in a big prestigious event, someone watches the stream and says 'Voran is pooping her pants right now.'

 

[Voran]

I find I feel better today about the whole not-wanting-a-relationship thing...

I've realized it's not only not my job to rescue people, it would be inappropriate and even unethical to try.

I'm not a therapist.

 

[Voran]

I feel stupidly relieved to see that even Nodirbek blunders sometimes lol

 

[Voran]

I tried playing again today and I won a few then got overtired and just blundered everything. Really should have known better.

Imma wait for some groceries to arrive and then take a uke off somewhere.

 

[Voran]

I had a nice evening, went rucking with my 80lb pack and played my uke for a bit out by the 'vertex' where the land goes nope and turns into a sheer hill. Ran into some friends and ended up performing for them on the side of the road. I couldn't be bothered taking my pack off because the straps are annoying to adjust, so I just sang with a 80lb pack on Quite a feat