Today's Chuckle

I'm not sure if this has been posted before, but. . .

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest ...."
 
You know I actually joined Ukulele Underground specifically because of this thread, as opposed to continuing as a long time lurker. I hadn't come across it in my lurking before, but it had me laughing so hard my sides hurt. So I joined, then lost the thread and it took me 'til now to find it again.

Here's my contribution.

AI is getting scarier and scarier. Recently I had a very bad cold and while coughing managed to accidentally click on a piece of click bait. You know, the sort of thing that starts something like "MY MIL HATES ME AND TRIED TO STEAL MY BABY".

Now I have a very eclectic taste in Youtubery, and none of it involves clickbait, conspiracy theories, or hate talk. So my feed is typically pretty varied and perhaps a bit confused. Maybe more than a bit. IMMEDIATELY upon this accidental click, my feed filled up with the most useless bull**** ever, mostly along the lines of "MY BOSS TRIED TO FIRE ME AND TREMBLED IN FEAR WHEN HE FOUND OUT...", with a smattering of conspiracy theory nuts and right-wing bigots and misogynists. It was as if the Youtube algorithm had heaved a giant sigh of relief. "FINALLY, this user is acting in a way I can exploit ... errr, that is, UNDERSTAND". One accidental click and it took me weeks to see my feed clear up (more or less).

As if that isn't enough, you know that thing on your cell phone that will display an incoming text at the top of the screen, say if you're actually TALKING on the phone, with a pre-canned answer for you to press? It usually comes up with some generic phrase that is usually only vaguely associated with the actual email you got, like "OK" or "thanks" or something simple like that. I never click those. The other day I got a text that said "I didn't read this until just now and I missed picking you up to go to the grocery but we're on our way home now and I'll pick you up to go home in a few minutes".

The canned response, which I clicked without thinking about it because it was SO me, was a phrase fairly uncommon in the US but pretty common in Australia - a phrase which I do, in fact, use fairly often despite my non-Ozziness. "No worries." Now how did the algorithm come up with that, a response I had never seen it throw up before in a mechanism I had never before used in answer to an apology that didn't actually use any apology words (like "sorry") ... starting to feel a little exposed 👁️👁️.

Then yesterday I did a search on youtube for ukulele chords, and out of the blue, in the returned list is a link to a youtuber talking about autism. I have a grandson on the spectrum but I'm a trained clinical psychologist so this is not my usual fare, but out of curiosity, I clicked on it. Then I started to wonder about the connection the algorithm was making between ukulele players and autism ... only to wonder even more when I discovered it was a video about adults who are autistic but were never diagnosed.

👀

Too many coincidences. So I called my son to ask him about a few things, starting off with ... "I think I might be autistic and masking it ..." To which he immediately responded. "I know Mom. I've known for years." (To give a little substance to this, every single therapist I've ever interacted with has assumed I was autistic, and whenever actually evaluated for it, which has happened 2 or 3 times over the years, they've been extremely surprised when I don't meet the criteria - but these evaluations for adults are based entirely on self-report, and someone like me with by now 60 years invested in being seen as "normal" isn't going to be a good reporter. Unconsciously, not because of conscious lying, but still - not a good reporter).

So I'm just sayin'. So far it seems more or less innocuous, perhaps even "helpful", if somewhat ham-handed. I guess filling up your feed with nonsense after you've clicked nonsense COULD be seen as "helping". But maybe don't do anything to piss the AI off ...

You know. Kind of a "let the wookie win" vibe.

And if there's an AI listening out there ... If you're looking for something to add to my feed other than the things I normally click on (like gardening or music or cooking or construction etc) I prefer cat videos or other funny pet/animal videos to conspiracy theorists and bigots. Or science and linguistic snippets. Just FYI. Not trying to tell you your business. Not at all. Nosireebob.

:oops:
 
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A man dies and is at the entrance to Heaven. St. Peter greets him. St. Peter says, I have a little free time. If you like, I'll give you a tour. The guy says that would be nice.
As he's getting the grand tour they come to a spot where there are dozens of rather modest cottages. He asks St. Peter who lives in these cottages. St. Peter says, those are for all the deceased Popes. The guy notices the most beautiful mansion on a hill looking down at the cottages. He asks who lives there and St. Peter says, that's where Duke Ellington lives. The man is a little puzzled and asks why the Popes get modest cottages and Duke Ellington gets a mansion. St. Peter replies, there have been dozens of popes but only one Duke Ellington! I have a Duke Ellington medley I'll be playing in a performance in the spring. I think I'll tell this story.
I made my first trip to Washington, DC when I was in my late 50's. We met a friend in the U Street area for church and lunch. I googled where Duke lived as a child and went to see his 2 childhood homes. Had my wife take my picture standing in front of them. People were probably wondering what the weirdo with the shaved head was doing. I did this before seeing The White House for the first time. Dozens of Presidents, only one Duke Ellington!
 
Two more Duke Ellington stories.. Duke's doctor was concerned that Duke was getting a little heavy and advised him to try and lose about 25 pounds. Duke put himself on a diet and ended up losing around 30 pounds. He spent so much time on the road that he never got a chance to have his suits brought in to fit better since losing the weight. He was conducting some orchestral arrangements of his compositions with The New Haven Symphony. All of the sudden he realized his pants were beginning to fall down. He was trying to conduct with one hand while trying to hold his drawers up with the other hand. Even someone as classy as The Duke could have an embarrassing moment on stage.
Back around 1962 0r 63, Duke was going to be conducting a concert of some choral music he wrote. The concert was going to take place at an Episcopal Church where I currently am a member. I was raised Roman Catholic. My oldest sister is almost 9 years older than I am and was probably a sophomore in high school. She's also a very fine musician and vocalist. The church had a pretty good choir but put an article in the paper looking for interested singers who would like to participate. My mother saw the article and told my sister she might enjoy the experience of singing under The Duke. We lived about 300 feet from the Catholic Church where we attended services, and my sister had an after school job in the rectory doing housework. She mentioned the Duke Ellington concert to the rector. He told her she wasn't allowed to participate because the concert was being held in an Episcopal Church!!!!!! Worried that she may be committing some kind of mortal sin and may burn in Hell, she didn't participate. In my early days as an Episcopalian, 2 old timers from choir told me about getting to sing under and break bread with Duke. How cool that must have been.
 
Two more Duke Ellington stories.. Duke's doctor was concerned that Duke was getting a little heavy and advised him to try and lose about 25 pounds. Duke put himself on a diet and ended up losing around 30 pounds. He spent so much time on the road that he never got a chance to have his suits brought in to fit better since losing the weight. He was conducting some orchestral arrangements of his compositions with The New Haven Symphony. All of the sudden he realized his pants were beginning to fall down. He was trying to conduct with one hand while trying to hold his drawers up with the other hand. Even someone as classy as The Duke could have an embarrassing moment on stage.
Back around 1962 0r 63, Duke was going to be conducting a concert of some choral music he wrote. The concert was going to take place at an Episcopal Church where I currently am a member. I was raised Roman Catholic. My oldest sister is almost 9 years older than I am and was probably a sophomore in high school. She's also a very fine musician and vocalist. The church had a pretty good choir but put an article in the paper looking for interested singers who would like to participate. My mother saw the article and told my sister she might enjoy the experience of singing under The Duke. We lived about 300 feet from the Catholic Church where we attended services, and my sister had an after school job in the rectory doing housework. She mentioned the Duke Ellington concert to the rector. He told her she wasn't allowed to participate because the concert was being held in an Episcopal Church!!!!!! Worried that she may be committing some kind of mortal sin and may burn in Hell, she didn't participate. In my early days as an Episcopalian, 2 old timers from choir told me about getting to sing under and break bread with Duke. How cool that must have been.
My now deceased father in law had Parkinson Disease and had lost Weight.
Going through air port security. Take off your belt, hold both your hands above your head (and let your pants fall down to your ankles)
Sad, funny and annoying as we watched.
 
Little story about a gig I played years ago.
When I was a senior in high school in 73-74, I was hired by a pretty good local general business group. I replaced their previous trumpeter. The original lineup of the group was all Portuguese, except the drummer. The group did a lot of work in the Portuguese community. I loved those gigs, especially if we got to eat when we did a wedding. Fabulous food and wine.
We got hired to play a gig at a Portuguese Church that had a banquet hall with a nice stage. They had a very famous singer from Brazil who was giving a concert, we were going to play for dancing afterward. We sat in the audience and his band came out. They played a little intro where they would chant his name 3 or 4 times. He burst through the curtain and kind of resembled Tom Jones with one major difference. He was about 3 and a half feet tall. You would have thought Elvis was onstage the way the women in the audience went wild. His name was Nelson Ned, and this guy was really good. He sang primarily in Portuguese. He didn't speak much English. I recall he sang one piece in English. He later had a spiritual epiphany and sang mostly at evangelical events. From what I understand he also sang in Spanish as well.
 
A little early for that…
 
It's not unusual.
Once the shock of seeing him wore off and we listened we were amazed at his voice. He was really talented.
Another funny event. I worked with a jazz quintet for 5-6 years. We sometimes played at a place called Alice's At Avaloch in Lenox, Mass. It was owned by Alice Brock of Alice's Restaurant fame.
It was a small resort. We would play weekends and they would put us up in one of their hotel rooms during their off season. During their busy season there was a fleabag apt. over the bar we would sleep in.
We played our Friday night and when we got up the next day, I took my trumpet out to practice a bit after breakfast.
The phone rang and one of the other guys answered it. The voice on the other end was yelling, tell that GD guy to put the effing horn away. Turns out right below my window public tv was interviewing Arlo Guthrie. I stuck my head out the window and saw lights, cameras and Arlo's big mop of hair sitting in a chair. Often wonder if he remembers this.
 
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