Today's Chuckle

[Patty]

Oooo...that's ruff.

That joke goes a little too fur, if you ask me.

 

[Jim Yates]

Anyone who's played a gig in a sports bar will know how disappointing it is when you realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the stage, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

 

[Ukecaster]

Anyone who's played a gig in a sports bar will know how disappointing it is when you realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the stage, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

They were cheering because they saw you packing your uke 😀

 

[Joe T]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs​

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer I Drink.


And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

 

[Voran]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs​

And people inSIST that I'll totally change my mind, settle down, get married and have kids.

 

[rainbow21]

And people inSIST that I'll totally change my mind, settle down, get married and have kids.

... and that will be worthy of many songs!

 

[Voran]

... and that will be worthy of many songs!

Nah, I just let people say inane crap. I don't have it in me to write songs about it.

'People whine at me to get married and have kids' is just...a bit mundane to fit into a song. I guess I could work in a line about ravens eating people's eyeballs...

 

[Joe T]

Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.

Q. What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. A beer in each hand.

“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian?
A: "Bad hunter!"

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.

 

[Nickie]

I went on a diet. It wasn't enough food.
So I went on another diet.

 

[Nickie]

Anyone who's played a gig in a sports bar will know how disappointing it is when you realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the stage, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

We were kind enough to play for a celebration of Veterans Day in a Meals on Wheels center. Only two people showed up that I invited. No one else but employees did.
None of them listened, they milled about, chatting. My two friends asked them to shut up and sit down. They were ignored, just like we were. I hope they ask us to do it again, cause I'll say....
"Nope!"

 

[Joe T]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'

The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'

Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'

After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'

 

[Patty]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'

The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'

Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'

After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'

Hahahahahahahahahaahha! (Has to wipe tear from eye.)

 

[Joe T]

Glad you got a laugh Patty. Lovin' that new avatar pic!!

 

[Patty]

Glad you got a laugh Patty. Lovin' that new avatar pic!!

I should add, “Thanks a brazillion.”

 

[Joe T]

I should add, “Thanks a brazillion.”

Don't know how much that is but I'll bet it's enough.

 

[Voran]

Nope!

Yaaaaay you said my favorite word

 

[Patty]

Not a joke per se, just a funny experience.

In another thread, someone used YMMV, an abbreviation I’ve often seen but never understood. This time, I defined it and instead of hitting “Look Up” as I should have, I hit “Translate.”

The reply: “Finnish is not currently supported for translation.”

Now I’ll always think of YMMV as Finnish for “Your Mileage May Vary.”

 

[John Colter]

Not a joke per se, just a funny experience.

In another thread, someone used YMMV, an abbreviation I’ve often seen but never understood. This time, I defined it and instead of hitting “Look Up” as I should have, I hit “Translate.”

The reply: “Finnish is not currently supported for translation.”

Now I’ll always think of YMMV as Finnish for “Your Mileage May Vary.”

I thought it meant, "Your Mother Might Vomit".

 

[Joe T]

A guy is working in a supermarket in the states.

He is in the produce section when a customer approaches him with a head of cabbage in his hand.

He says to the guy "can i buy just half a head of cabbage?"

The guy takes the cabbage and heads to the backroom of the supermarket.

"What are you doing?" asks the guys boss.

"Some idiot wants to buy a half a head of cabbage". turning around, he has noticed the customer had followed him in, so he adds "and this gentleman was kind enough to take the other half."

The customer gets his cabbage and leaves.

The guys boss says "that was pretty good what you did there. We need people like you who can think fast on their feet. Where are you from, anyways?"

The guy says "I'm from canada, sir."

"Why did you leave Canada?" asks the boss.

Guy says "there's nothing up there except whores and hockey players."

Boss says "my wife's from Canada."

Guy says "oh yeah? what team does she play for?"

 

[Oldscruggsfan]

I should add, “Thanks a brazillion.”

As a word describing a number, is that the opposite of “dinky”?