Today's Chuckle

My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
The bastard gave me Xanax.

After I finish drinking my coffee I show my empty cup to the office IT guy and say, "I have successfully installed Java." He hates me.

Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?"
Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "Rare it is!"

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
the woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
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It's been 2 months since I ordered the book, "How to scam people on line" and it still hasn't arrived.

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.

The employee shortage is so bad that, long haired freaky people can now apply.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself, I really need to wash some cups.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men that mention it.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise... But that was several hours ago... when I was younger and full of hope.
An even easier method is to pour the coconut oil directly into the trash!
Has anybody ever made a joke before where you sing "Louie Louie" by the Kingsman, except you replace the lyrics with "aNueNue"?
Because that's what I was thinking about at work today for some reason.
Does anyone actually know the real words to "Louie Louie"? It seems that even the singer for The Kingsmen didn't know them.
^ Groovy. I saw them in person and couldn't tell what he was saying. Don't remember them being so dorkily attired, but then I was probably equally so.
You can't even read his lips. He's not articulating anything. Apparently, he doesn't need to! I can make out "Louie Louie" plus an occasional "baby" and "we gotta" (or "we gonna").
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