Today's Chuckle

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
 
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the new business site and read the card, "Rest in Peace". Angry, he called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location"
 
I just laughed so hard at this I got dizzy. I had tears flooding down my face at 'can you please turn your anus off.'

 
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar.
Things got a little tense.

When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
 
An old lady was always travelling the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and started bringing him nice little bags of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the old lady, "Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it's really nice of you, I'm loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have some for yourself!"

"Ah, young man," laughed the old lady, "I don't have my teeth anymore, I couldn't eat them even if I wanted to. But I really like the yummy chocolate coating around them!"
 
How many do you remember? = Start counting:

01. Candy cigarettes
02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
03. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
04. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
05. Blackjack chewing gum
06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
07. Party lines.
08. Newsreels before the movie.
09. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix .. (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 78 RPM Records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

Now add up your score…..
If you remembered 0 to 5, you’re still young
If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older.
If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt
 
How many do you remember? = Start counting:

01. Candy cigarettes
02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
03. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
04. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
05. Blackjack chewing gum
06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
07. Party lines.
08. Newsreels before the movie.
09. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix .. (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 78 RPM Records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

Now add up your score…..
If you remembered 0 to 5, you’re still young
If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older.
If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt
I don't remember any of these and I'm 32 (almost 33), not that young.
 
I took a funny photo

IMG-3949.jpg
 
How many do you remember? = Start counting:

01. Candy cigarettes
02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
03. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
04. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
05. Blackjack chewing gum
06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
07. Party lines.
08. Newsreels before the movie.
09. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix .. (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 78 RPM Records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

Now add up your score…..
If you remembered 0 to 5, you’re still young
If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older.
If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt

Before admitting to how many I remember, I first need to know how old dirt is … :)
 
Before admitting to how many I remember, I first need to know how old dirt is … :)

Depending on where. I'd guess average dirt is 100 million years old (just a guess based on the rock cycle).

I scored 5, but I'm not young. Not as old as you of course, but not young.
 
Jimmy: "Hey, check this out!!" (cracks corn)
Me: "Whatever..."
 
For our first date, my wife and I went to the Ocean View Restaurant because a friend recommended it.
For our 10th anniversary, my wife and I went to the Ocean View because of the great wine selection.
For our 25th anniversary, we went to the Ocean View because they had a wonderful sea food selection.
For our 50th anniversary, we went to the Ocean View because it was wheel chair accessible.
For our 60th anniversary we went to the Ocean View because we'd never been there before.
 
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I made a plan to fart.

It was the only plan I ever followed through on.

- Sickipedia
 
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