Today's Chuckle

Voran said:
Oh man. Yall had explosives? I only had a slingshot, which I almost blinded a bully with once.
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With just a little practice, the damage and mayhem one can cause with a well aimed slingshot is astounding. The ones that have the curved handle intended to brace against the shooter’s forearm are seriously lethal, and eerily silent.

Wow, that was a far creepier post than I intended it to be. Go hug someone.
 
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so much spiritual consciousness that twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back because the Baptists took down the water-slide.



The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.



But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
 
Oldscruggsfan said:
With just a little practice, the damage and mayhem one can cause with a well aimed slingshot is astounding. The ones that have the curved handle intended to brace against the shooter’s forearm are seriously lethal, and eerily silent.

Wow, that was a far creepier post than I intended it to be. Go hug someone.
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Not hugely into hugging. Can I just sip Red Bull?
 
Nickie said:
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so much spiritual consciousness that twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.



The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back because the Baptists took down the water-slide.



The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.



But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
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Classic, Nickie! ROFLMAO. You've reminded me (spoiler alert if you haven't seen it yet) of the funniest line in The Banshees of Innisherin":

"Do ya really think God gives a damn that ya killed a donkey?"
 
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TerryM said:
I had the pistol version. Mattel made them, and I think mine was called a Fanner 50. The shell "casing" had a tiny coil spring in it, and the "bullet" clipped onto it with two hook thingies. Not sure how the hammer striking released the bullet, but on the pistol they flew about 8 inaccurate feet. Also, you could get peel and stick caps to go on the end of the assembled bullets. More expensive than a roll of caps, though, so I mainly went without sound effects.
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Greenie Stick-M-Caps
 
Pretty corny but might give Patty a "guffaw". :giggle:

  • Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

  • Why did the computer get glasses? It wanted to improve its website.

  • Did you hear about the medieval lamp? It's a knight light.

  • Where do learn how to make ice cream? At sundae school.

  • What did the lawyer wear to court? A law suit.

  • Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.

  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.

  • What's the best way to watch a fishing show? Live stream
  • .
  • What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected foul play.

  • Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.

  • What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.

  • What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.

  • What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

  • Why shouldn't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
 
The coach grimaced as he watched his young hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
- The little boy nodded affirmatively.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
- The little boy nodded once more.
"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
- Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, you understand that it's poor sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb a**hole, isn't it?"
- The little boy nodded yet again.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
 
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
 
A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.
 

This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.​

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India - they had it all.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I promise. OK?"

“You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

The husband tries once again. "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, sweetie pie? Smiled the wife.

"Then drink your bloody beer in your darn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, moron?"
 
During high school, I had a close friend who also happened to be a distant cousin. My pal literally talked all the time but was otherwise fun to be around. At age 17, I introduced my talkative friend to the strikingly attractive blonde with the angelic singing voice who would later become his first wife. During their relatively brief courtship, I became friends with my pal's future in-laws.

As the years passed and the couple eventually wed, my buddy became far less tolerable because he fell into the fingernails-on-chalkboard rut of only being conversant on three subjects. Those subjects were himself, deer hunting and NASCAR. All conversations involved him appearing to listen / participate, only to then abruptly change the subject either to himself, NASCAR or deer hunting. After five years, the still-beautiful but by then understandably embittered blonde filed for divorce. The split surprised precisely no one other than my (by then former) pal.

A few weeks after the divorce was finalized I encountered my ex-buddy's former F-I-L in our small town. Obviously surprised that I had gone out of my way to greet him, the older man somewhat sheepishly said, “Thought you might've held it against me that [my daughter] divorced [your buddy].”

I replied in complete honesty, “I regret introducing them back in '82, and figured you and your better half held that against me. It was a mystery that she had the patience to live with him as long as she did. Most gals would have killed him in his sleep the week after the honeymoon.”

Never one to avoid having the last word, the ex- F-I-L responded with a wide grin, "Yup, and she woulda' been out on parole long before now."
 
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Laugh of the day:

In response to their settling the lawsuit by Dominion Voting Systems for over $775 million dollars Fox News said, “This settlement reflects Fox’s continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards” What a joke!! 😄

(Sorry, this isn't really in the spirit of the thread. There's just all too much laughing through the tears these days.)
 
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mikelz777 said:
Laugh of the day:

In response to their settling the lawsuit by Dominion Voting Systems for over $775 million dollars Fox News said, “This settlement reflects Fox’s continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards” What a joke!! 😄

(Sorry, this isn't really in the spirit of the thread. There's just all too much laughing through the tears these days.)
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It reflects the fact that they knew if they went to trial, they’d lose and end up paying the whole $1+ billion…. Apologies for going off topic.
 
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